A New Breed Of Football Fans: The Fantasy Football Douche

25 09 2008

My new fantasy tight end

It is estimated that over 50 million Americans are participants in some form of fantasy football. And why not? It’s fun, competitive and there’s a slim possibility you might win a decent amount of money. It brings friends together and gives us something to make fun of each other for every Tuesday morning.

There is, however, a downside. A growing trend, or should I say a “virus” infecting fantasy team owners everywhere. Thanks to hundreds of fantasy leagues all over the country, there is a new breed of football fans: The fantasy football douche.

Anyone involved in a fantasy league has seen it. Hell, most of us have been the main culprit at one time or another. We start checking our Yahoo and ESPN leagues every hour on the hour. What new players are available? Should I pick up another running back off waivers? Before you know it, the damn league consumes you. You’re throwing out trades to every owner in the league because Tom Brady’s knee just fucked your team in the ass. Should you start Ronnie Brown over Steven Jackson? Ronnie Brown? Please, he will not do shit against the Patriots’ defense. Wait…What’s that? He ran for four touchdowns and threw for one, on his way to over 40 godamn points?!!!!!! Seriously, it’s all enough to warrant a fantasy aneurysm. It’s like taking a hit of fantasy football crack, once you get a taste, you can’t get enough.

Every league undoubtably has a fantasy football douche. Here are some of the tell-tale signs:

Signs of a fantasy football douche….

–He/She still has a team named after Michael Vick (i.e. RonMexio’sKennel )

–He/she purchased “DraftKit” and “StatTracker” (you know this because they have a tendency to remind you every fucking week)

–They check “StatTracker” during every game and say things like “I need Willie Parker to score one more TD”

— He/She is cheering for Willie Parker to score that last TD…and they’re a damn Browns fan

–He/She will not go to a bar to watch the games unless they have WiFi

–He/She checks their iPhone after every. single. possession. 

–Last but not least. If he or she happens to win the fantasy football league and actually purchases a fantasy football championship ring, then he or she is without a doubt, hands down, no questions asked… a fantasy football douche.

edunn

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9 responses

25 09 2008
Keith

I will be checking this on a daily basis from a German hostel and or a redlight district bedroom, if they have integrated Wifi.

25 09 2008
Species

Now I feel the need to take my ring off…ass! All joking aside, this article does highlight a new breed of a so called “sport fanatic”. Fantasy Football has bridged the gap between the die hard- “wouldn’t look at a computer on game day” fan and the “I would only leave my computer for sex, no wait…” fan. I suppose in the grand scheme of things it has expanded the market and the NFL is probably very happy about this new income. Yet, no one is fooled. The beating heart of the NFL does not lye in the finger tips of the Fantasy Footballer, but resides in the ticket purchasing, jersey wearing, I don’t go to church in the fall- football fans that span America. Amen

25 09 2008
Alex

I am not in a fantasy football league this year. I got shown the door. when I asked about a league, everyone ignored my texts.

26 09 2008
Lauren who doesn't like football

So, by the prompting of one certain fishbowl-working fantasy football douche, I checked your site. I knew it would be a “great success” due to the extremely high quality of newsletter you have been producing; so even though I don’t really like sports, I checked it out. One comment on the nakey asses… I know a lot of chicks that totally dig sports and would love the site. HOWEVER- lots of those chicks are the DC/liberal/feminist type who would immediately ‘x’ out seeing that opening pic.

Next time you decide to post a naked tushie on the blog at least make it one worthy of looking at- like Deebs.

26 09 2008
Jaret

Great article! My favorite part was the picture.

26 09 2008
Eddie

Ya know what really makes you a fantasy douche. Missing the live draft, then attempting to trade a starting RB on a run-first offensive team for the 3rd WR on another run-first offensive team…you must’ve forgotten that in your article. 🙂

26 09 2008
BEZ

Indeed, I am a Fantasy Douche… but that list needs to be put in some kind of order… Sure, i check my iphone every 10 minutes for stats and stattracker updates… but the biggest douchies of all are the ones that purchase the draft-kit… who the hell needs a program to tell them sleeper predictions… “You better watch out, Matt Schaub is surely a sleeper this year” says draft-kit… Fuck that, just do your fuckin homework (sorry kiel, no offense to you at all… you’re cool).

PS – don’t even think about taking down the asses/boobs… infact, we need more nipple on this site.

14 10 2010
shortcake

all you guys go take a cold shower now. i love the broncos.

25 10 2010
Justin

I like all of u

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