Quick, Does Anyone Know The Heimlich!??

30 09 2008

If you listen closely, you can actually hear the sound of grown men crying in Queens. Or maybe that’s just the sound of the New York Mets choking on the dick that is the MLB playoffs.

The New York Mets have failed to make the NL playoffs for the second year in a row. I know, SHOCKING isn’t it!? For a team with the fourth highest payroll in the league, you’d think they’d have the tools to not only make the playoffs, but be competing for a National League Championship. If you’re a New York Mets executive, however, you’re in luck! It just so happens that I, a man with no Major League managing experience, have some innovative ideas for your organization. Maybe next year you can try these tactics to turn a good regular season team, into a dominating playoff team.


How can the Mets turn things around next year? Listen up Mr. Met, GM Dunn can help:

  1. Ya know that pitcher from Minnesota? The Santana kid? Yeah, yeah, “Black Magic Woman” is a great song, but let’s focus on baseball for a minute. Sign Johan and sign him now! I don’t care how much it will cost, $100 mil, $200 mil, just do it. Guarantee him something obnoxious like $137 million. Make him the highest paid pitcher in history, he is a one way ticket to the NLDS. Say what now? You did what? You signed Santana to a record breaking $151 million contract in February? Allllrright then. Well, try this. This ALWAYS works….
  2. If you’re unsatisfied with your manager two months into the season, just call him up and let him know the organization is moving forward without him. (Make sure you call after 3:00am, it really catches them off guard and they can’t argue when they’re still sleeping.) What’s that? You tried that EXACT same thing this year and it didn’t work? Yikes! Well………….you guys are just fucked.



One response

30 09 2008

funny stuff, but the next article better be on football! baseball has taken up too much of the year to impede on football season!

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