A Case Of The Mondays

27 10 2008

If anyone in your office, home or school ever mentions that you might have “a case of the Mondays,” please feel free to karate chop them in the throat. Especially if that person is also smiling and making fun of your team(s) losing over the weekend. Unless you’re an Ohio State fan, everyone in your office, home or school already hates you anyways so…please keep making fun of that guy, he sucks at life.

It was a crazy weekend in the world of televised sporting events. Here’s what happened while most of you were taking Yaguhhhh Bombs!!!!! and passing out naked in your front lawn.

The Phillies have YETto choke in the World Series. Seriously, never put it past a team from Philadelphia to fall apart when a championship is on the line. They did manage, however, to pull two games away from the Rays and go up in the series, 3-1. Ryan Howard finally remembered how to make contact with the ball and pitcher Joe Blanton said “Fuck a DH” when he went yard in the fourth inning last night. The Phills go into tonight’s game with this postseason’s winningest pitcher. There is no denying that Cole Hamels is a great talent and shows grace under fire. But can he handle the weight of the entire city of Philadelphia tonight? Not just Phillies fans, but every overweight cheesesteak eating, Yeungling drinking Philadelphian has their money (probably mortgage too) riding on it. Good luck Mr. Hamels, if you blow it tonight, expect a barrage of boos and chants of “COLE. SUCKS. POLE!”

A dominant force has been reestablished in college football…and no, I’m not talking about Ball State. Florida State is back bitches! The Noles are not only sitting atop the ACC standings, but more importantly, they have crept back into the BCS top 15 since 2004. Alright….so granted, the ACC is about as tough as Ralph Machio these days, but I assure you…a resurgenceis coming! Picture Ralph Maccio as Daniel LaRusso, circa Karate Kid 3. Sure, he got his ass handed to him a few times, but he got back up and dominated once again. If Bowden has his players “paint the fence” and “sand the floor,” they’ll be unstoppable in the All Valley Karate Tournament Atlantic Coast Conference.

Speaking of teams in shitty conferences on the upswing…Penn State pulled out another big win against the Suckeyes of Ohio State on Saturday night. As expected, the game was more boring than a three hour marathon of the Antiques Road Show. In fact, that should be the slogan for Big 10 football. “The Big 10, we make the Antiques Road Show look like an action movie!”

Other notables from this weekend: Michigan lost…. (wait, sorry, that would only be worth noting if they finally WON a game.) Michigan State went into the big house and set Javon Ringer loose on the Wolverines. Ringer ran for an astonishing 37 carries with 194 yards and two touchdowns. Seriously, 37 carries? So pretty much it was Javon Ringer vs. Michigan, and somehow Michigan was still outnumbered.

Oh yeah, and the Giants beat the Steelers. But…….we’ll just forget that ever happened (clenching fists in anger.)

Sorry avid readers, but I’m off to the Big D (and I DO mean Dallas.) I will not be posting for a few days, so try not to hyperventalate from your anxiety. I’ll be back soon enough with phenomenal new posts.



It’s Friday…You Aint Got No Job…You Aint Got S#!t To Do!

24 10 2008

It’s Friday afternoon, which means most of this blog’s readership is halfway through a case of Natty Light by now. Since most of you are on track to being black out drunk by 8:00pm, I’ll keep this post short and sour  sweet.

It’s a great weekend to be a sports fan. This is one of those weekends you reminisce about in June or July, when the only things worth watching are either the first round of Wimbledon or a Cubs/Pirates day game on WGN. So sit back, grab another case of Natty or a keg can of Heiny, and enjoy this weekend’s stellar line-up of televised sporting events. Seriously, this is one of those weekends when your girlfriend (like anyone reading this actually has one) will certainly be pissed at you by Sunday afternoon. What do you think the over-under is for hearing this statement from your girlfriend/wife :”How many stupid games are you going to watch!!!?” I’d say at least 5….per day. They might even follow it up with “Are you going to leave the house at all today?!!”

Get your fanhood and liver ready, it’s going to be a debauchery fueled weekend. Here’s what to watch before throwing your remote through your brand new LCD TV:

Friday Night

#12 BOISE STATE over San Jose State: Alright, so maybe the weekend won’t start off with a bang, but you’ll be so obnoxiously hammered by this point, that you’ll most likely picka fight with anyone in a Boise State t-shirt. “Fuck you and your blue field!”

Saturday (the early games)

#8 TEXAS TECH over #23 Kansas: Unless this game is being played at Allen Fieldhouse, Kansas has no chance to stop Graham Harrell and his 60 passing attempts per game.

#22 NORTHWESTERN over Indiana: Their SAT scores are higher than yours and so is their BCS ranking.

Saturday (afternoon games)

#1 TEXAS over #6 Oklahoma State: T. Boone Pickens can’t donate enough money to make this team beat Colt McCoy and his 80% completion rating.

#7 GEORGIA over #13 Louisiana State: LSU will get nervous when Mark Richt unveils the Bulldogs will be wearing their new, intimidating…………. White Jerseys!!!!! He’s so innovative!!!

#25 FLORIDA STATE over Viginia Tech: FSU is finally ranked, please don’t go fucking it up now!

Saturday (night games)

#3 PENN STATE over #9 Ohio State: The Blue “Royser” Cult will make OSU’s defense “Fear the Reaper” (oh, and Daryll Clark and Derek Williams are somewhat talented on PSU’s offense. By somewhat I mean they are fucking lighting it up.)

ARIZONA over #5 Southern Cal: You heard it hear first folks. Well, actually a lot of people are predicting this, but let’s just pretend you read it on this site first.

RAYS over Phillies: A friend of mine from Philly, who’s obviously a Phillies fan, asked me if I wanted to go to this game with him in Philly. I’ll tell you what I told him. There is no way in hell I would ever go to a game, of any sort, in Philadelphia, where I would be cheering for the opposing team. I guess I just enjoy seeing a game without getting punched in the face, pee’d on, beer thrown on my Rays shirt, eggs thrown at, or snowballs whizzed by my head. That’s just me.

Sunday (NFL and World Series)

PITTSBURGH over Giants: Let’s be honest, this is the only game worth watching all day on Sunday. Two of the best teams with two of the best QBs, defenses and running games in the NFL. Tom Coughlin is going to feel like even more of an asshole when a guy named “Mewelde” rushes for over 100 yards on his defense.

RAYS over Phillies: After the Phillies lose this game, the fair-weather fans in Philly will find a way to pelt snow balls at Ryan Howard. Even if it’s not snowing, those crazy ass Philly fans are determined to hit SOMEONE with a snowball damnit!


Kerry Collins Is Better At Football/Drinking Than Vince Young

22 10 2008

Keg Stand Kerry is looking like his old drunk self these days.

According to the ESPN Power Rankings (making jerk off motions) the Tennessee Titans are the best team in the NFL. Really ESPN? The fucking Titans? The ANALysts on NFL Live have established their best argument as “Well, they’re the only undefeated team left in the NFL.” Ooohh, well in that case….they must be the cat’s fuckin’ pajamas!

I don’t want to diminish the fact that the Titans have had a good start to the year, because they certainly deserve some praise. But let’s be honest with each other for a minute. There’s a simple reason for that success, and it’s enough to send Vince Young running for a razor-blade. Are you ready for this….Kerry Collins is a better quarterback than Vince Young. Booooyah!!! Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Keg Stand Kerry, as he was so popularly known in State College, PA, is the reason why the Titans have yet to drop a game. Believe me, I know it sounds weird, but Collins is the perfect quarterback for the Titans. Let’s take a look at their offense, shall we? Their receivers are a joke. I guarantee Justin Gage and Bo Scaife are still sitting on your fantasy league’s free agency wire. Their running backs on the other hand, are tearing up fantasy leagues and reality defenses. LenDale White and Chris Johnson could quite possibly be the best RB tandem in the NFL. Combined they share 13 touchdowns and over 900 all-purpose yards. There is one thing they don’t share though…and that’s food. Have you seen the cream puff that is LenDale White? When he ran for that  60+ yard touchdown last week, I guarantee he was breathing like James Gandolfini after walking up a flight of stairs.

Collins works so well in the Titans’ offense, because he’s not a selfish prick of a QB like Young. He doesn’t dance around in the pocket, see no one open and eventually run for a short gain. That would be the VYoung special. Most importantly, Collins is a seasoned, accurate passer, who doesn’t throw nearly as many errant passes as Young. Young might have a stronger arm, but that doesn’t mean shit when you’re throwing those hard passes into the arms of someone in a different colored jersey.

There is one other important factor as to why Kerry Collins should continue to start over the “injured” Vince Young. He’s been to this rodeo and has the t-shirt and scars to prove it. He took a pretty mediocre team with a solid defense to the Super Bowl in 2000. Collins was able to manage the Giants’ offense back then (minus the Super Bowl game) the same way he is managing the Titans now. By pretty much not fucking it up. His job is to hand off, dump off short screen passes or quick slants and sit back, relax and watch his team score.

 Sorry Vince Young, but if you get back on this waggon, the wheels are certain to fall off quickly. On the other hand, if Kerry Collins gets back on the waggon (of booze that is) the Titans are destined to lose in the Super Bowl.



20 10 2008

What did the five fingers say to the face?!

Read this carefully people, it is not a typo: The Tampa Bay Rays have dethrowned the douchetastic Red Sox to win their first ever American League Championship! Seriously, I couldn’t make that shit up if I tried. To put this huge win into perspective and to understand just how Raymazing Tampa’s turn around really is, let me tell you a little tale of what it was like to be a young Rays fan spectator….back when the Devil was still involved.

When the Devil Rays came to Tampa in ’98, no one really gave a shit. If you were not a Marlins fan, which beleive me, were few and far between, than you cheered for the Braves (the bandwaggon team of the 90s.) Baseball fans in Florida, especially the Tampa area,  used to fuckin’ worship the Braves. In fact, most of my friends growing up fellated the Braves almost as much as the Gators. I never bought into that shit though. To be honest, I hated the Braves almost as much as I still despise the Gators. To this day, I continue to say slow ass Sid Bream was out at home in the ’92 NLCS. If you feel otherwise, we can no longer be friends.

While the Braves were dominating the late 90s, in came this expansion team to “Atlanta of the South”…aka Tampa. Devil Rays Owners and MLB Officials were each banking on the possibility that these Braves fans would all of a sudden jump ship and hop on the new bandwaggon for Tampa baseball. The problem was, it’s hard to jump on a bandwaggon when the wheels are already falling off.

As if the Braves fans were not enough, Devil Rays Execs also had to compete with the douchiest of douchey fans….The Yankees enthusiasts. See, Tampa is not only filled with a bunch of Braves-worshiping rednecks, but also a shitload of Yankees-worshiping snow birds. These New York snow birds are like geese in Tampa. They fly south for the winter and pretty much shit on everything.

The D-Rays owners tried to combat these problems with a string of putrid front office moves. When I say “putrid”, I literally mean “fucking horrible.” Instead of keeping the talented young players they acquired in their first draft, like Bobby Abreu,  the owners decided to trade for washed up players with names that fans would recognize. To bring in the snow-bird crowds to games, owners signed the New York favorite Wade Boggs. Don’t worry redneck Braves fans, D-Rays owners didn’t forget about you either. In hopes of winning over Braves fans, Tampa also signed the Crime Dog himself, Fred McGriff.

To cap off all their horrible front office decision-making skills, do you remember their gross jerseys? It looked like they couldn’t decide on only two or three colors, so they just said fuck it, we’ll use the entire rainbow!

Needless to say, it was tough to force fanhood on the early Devil Rays. My friends and I would go to the games just to see the opposing team, or to see how close we could sneak down to the dugout. With 2,300 people in attendance, it was pretty damn easy.  We would cheer on the D-Rays, but deep down we knew, it was inevitable they were going to lose 90 games a year. That was the mentality of every Devil Rays fan spectator. People in Tampa just never really gave a shit. That is, until this year.

The only game I went to this year was on Father’s Day. And let me start off by saying, everything was different this time in St. Pete.  No more Devil, no more rainbow colored unis, no more washed up players (with the exception of Troy Percival.) Even the Trop looked pretty nice this time around. New seats, concession stands and everything was painted with the new light blue and navy. People were cheering and cowbells were ringing. Most importantly, there were finally a collection of talented players on the Trop’s astroturf. For the first time in my life, a baseball game inside the old “Thunderdome” was lively, packed and filled with over 30,000 fans. I could feel all those years of laughing at the D-Rays for making errors and bloopers….. slowly fading away. 

I am not, nor will I ever be a frontrunner. I will not jump on bandwaggons and say things like “I’ve always been a Devil Rays fan.” That wouldn’t be accurate. Anyone from the Tampa area who tells you differently is lying out of their ass. Having said that, I can tell you this with certainty.  Speaking for all the people who struggled and laughed our way through the past 10 years of Devil Ray sucktitude, we were all merely spectators, not fans. There was never an inherent possibility that we could win, therefore we never had the excitement or ability to cheer.

 When you are shitty since the beginning, you have no good seasons to look back on and say “hey, remember when we made the playoffs, or remember when we didn’t suck.” There was no curse that we could use as a crutch and say, “well there’s always next year.” No Billy Goats or Curses of the Bambinos were reasons for how horrible the team was. There are few teams in any sports genre who can say, we have never been good. We have never had a winning season. We have never made the playoffs. What I’m trying to say is, there has never been such a magnitude of shittiness than the first ten years of Devil Ray baseball.

Yes, this is a long post and most of you probably stopped reading after the first two paragraphs, but there is an important point to be made. There is a resurgence in the Tampa Bay area now, and it is all thanks to the newly formatted Rays. For a team and organization that has done nothing but shit on the city and residents of the Tampa/St. Pete area, a successful 180 has been completed. People are buying Upton, Crawford and Longoria jerseys. The Rays have already sold more jerseys this year than the past 10 years combined! (Not exactly sure if that is accurate, but it sounds legit.)

So, thank you to the Rays for changing your colors (or at least for finally decidng on two.) Thank you for taking out the Devil and in replace, installing a legitimately competitive pitching staff and great young hitters. Thank you for not signing Barry Bonds even though it might have helped with ticket sales. Most importantly, thank you for making me care about baseball again. For someone who grew up playing the game through high school, it has certainly been a distant part of my life since then. Thank you for turning a previous Devil Rays spectator…….. into a Rays fan.


Mormons Are No Match For Purple Christian Frogs

17 10 2008

So, apparently there was another college football game on last night? Who knew? While most of us were watching Florida State squeek out a win at NC State…or the Rays blow a seven run lead in the last three innings (Fawkin Sawx!)…there was another televised sporting event going on. But you probably didn’t notice because it was televised on that hockey channel Versus. I mean really, does anyone south of Buffalo give a shit about that channel?

Unfortunately, for those of us who forgot Versus is even part of our cable package, we missed a pretty damn good game. And by damn good game I mean the Mormons got their asses handed to them.

Last night, the purple-cladded-Christian-frogs of TCU completely dominated the Mormons 32-7. TCU laid the hammer down on the Latter-Day Saints of BYU, not only ending their nations-best 16 game win streak, but also ending any chance the Cougars had at playing in a BCS game. Now if you’ll excuse me…I can’t handle talking about the Mountain West Conference any longer. The excitement is just too unbearable!!

Here’s are a few things to watch for in this weekend’s debauchery fueled football/baseball/hockey? shitfest.

College Football

#10 GEORGIA over #22 Vandy: I asked a kid who went to Vandy what their chances were of winning and he told me “Well, if you take the possibility of Newton’s Law, subdivide that by the square-root of zero, round it of to the nearest decimal and use the Pythagorean theorem, you’ll hypothesize that…… the Commodores are screwed.

#4 OKLAHOMA over #16 Kansas: The only way Kansas has a chance in this game is if Mark Mangino eats Sam Bradford….don’t rule it out, he’s a very hungry man.

#20 MICHIGAN STATE over #12 Ohio State: Can you spell Javon Ringer? No seriously, is it Jevon, JaVon, Jayvon….I have no clue.

#3 PENN STATE over # (Oh my bad, Michigan’s not ranked)

#1 TEXAS over #11 Missouri: Chase Daniel will prove to Mack Brown why he didn’t recruit his tiny ass to go to UT.


NEW ORLEANS over Carolina: Two of the NFC South’s best collide. Unless Ray Caruth hires someone to shoot Drew Brees…look for the birth-marked QB to have a big game against the Panthers.

MIAMI over Baltimore: Joe Flacco went to Delaware……….Hi, I’m in Delaware. Enough said.

Detroit and Houston: I can’t pick a winner in this game. Either way, everyone loses.


RAYS over Red Sox: No team can withstand the crazy, maniacal fans that fill the Trop with their cowbells. I just hope more than 4,000 show up.


Wait, what? Hockey?


While everyone is transfixed on these televised sporting events, I will be tuned in to my computer for another installment of the LFL. What is the LFL you might ask? Probably the best thing invented since YouPorn. I mean, I don’t watch that shit!

The Phillies Win The Pennant…Sans Mullets

16 10 2008

This looks like a 1993 advertisement for SuperCuts

Call it what you will:  Mississippi Mudflap, Kentucky Waterfall, Neck Blanket, Camaro Cut, Ape Drape, Hockey Hair, The Barry Melrose Special. No matter how you say it, the Philadelphia Phillies no longer need any mullets or mullet pseudonyms to win the pennant!

Last night, the non-mullet cladded Phillies won their first National League title since 1993. That’s right, the Phils proved they don’t need a shitty 90s hairstyle or crazy ass players like Daulton, Dykstra and Kruk to make it to the World Series. And when I say crazy players, I really mean………clinically fucking insane.

Philly made it to the series this time around based on actual skill. Their pitching physically raped the Brewers in the Divisional Series and again in the NLCS against the Dodgers. Cole Hamels has been lights out for the Phils in the playoffs, and after last night’s performance, it doesn’t look like he’s slowing down anytime soon. Oh yea, there’s also some other decent pitchers in the bullpen with Jamie Moyer and Bret Myers. And by “decent” I mean “fucking unstoppable!” And I certainly can’t forget about Philly’s ace-in-the-hole reliever Brad Lidge. He may not have the business in the front, party in the back that Mitch Williams rocked back in ’93…but at least he’s not bat-shit-crazy like Wild Thing Williams.

While most of you are watching Jim and Pam make their wedding plans, I’ll be :

RAYS over Red Sox: After the past two shitshows that Boston displayed at home, the Rays have too much momentum going into game five. If Evan Longoria and FellatioB.J. Upton can get hot again tonight, look for another blowout. To all the “Sawx” fans out there, you’re argument of “Fawk you, we came back from dahwn 0-3 to beat da fawkin Yanks in ’04, I know ’cause that’s when I stawted to become a Sawx fan!” You’re argument is weak and so is your hitting right now.

NOLES over Wolfpack: “Let’s put the women and children to bed and go lookin’ for dinner.” Unfortunately for NC State, they’re Wolfpack team is not led by Heisman hopeful Joe “Cane is Able” Cane. It’s from The Program dicknose.

*Check back tomorrow for a top-notch recap of the Rays run to the history books.


One Roy Williams Just Isn’t Enough For Jerry Jones

15 10 2008

Roys will be Roys

Jerry Jones really likes players with the first name Roy and last name Williams. So much in fact that one of them was just not enough for the long time Cowboy’s owner. Dallas added to their list of Pro Bowlers named Roy Williams today by signing the Lions’ wide receiver before the deadline.

This is simply another sign that Jerry Jones gets who he wants, when he wants. And apparently that’s anyone with the surname Roy Williams. So watch your back Mr. University of North Carolina Athletic Director…..Jerry Jones has his eyes set on your basketball coach next!

Will Jerry Jones sign the third piece to the Roy Williams puzzle?

The Dallas Cowboys are now Roy Williams squared and Tony Romo-less. At least Roy Williams (the receiver) will feel right at home with Brad Johnson at the helms. With plenty of arrant passes and overthrown balls, Williams will forget it’s not Jon Kitna behind center.

Attention: All strippers in the greater Dallas area, please be advised. Adam aka “Pacman” aka “Make it Rain” Jones has been suspended for the next four games. Now that he has some idle time on his hands, It is inevitable he will be visiting your fine establishments soon (if not right at this moment.) If idle hands are the devil’s play toy… then Pacman’s idle hands are the devil’s huge dildo. (I don’t even care if that shit doesn’t make sense.)