Weekend Debauchery

7 10 2008

Cubs fans still hoping to blame Bartman for this year's chokefest.

While you were cooped up in your studio apartment this weekend, watching shitty baseball games and reruns of the Golden Girls, I was out enjoying the pleasures of life and drunken buffoonery. True, I only remember about 27% of what took place….. but it was a damn good 27%. At least you still have your voice and dignity. Mine are lingering around downtown Jacksonville somewhere, along with most of my integrity. On to a recap of the weekend’s televised sporting events:

First and foremost, a big congratulations goes out to all you Chicago Cubs fans! You’ve been saying “It’s gonna happen” for months, and finally it did. The Cubs are moving on to play in the National League Champion……wait, what’s that? They were swept by the Dodgers in the first round? They blew a great regular season to the Dodgers in only three games? Uhh, whoops…….this is awkward. Oh well, I’m sure Cubs fans will come up with an excuse for their most recent ability to choke. Guess what Cubs fans, nobody cares about your retarded, make-believe goat curse. Or your least favorite headphone bearing-fly ball swatting fan. Your players took a great season and couldn’t hold it together in the playoffs. Now get over it, stop crying and make me a deep dish pizza!

As for the one-time World Champions of choke-artistry, the Boston Red Sox, a congratulations goes out to them as well. Congratulations for not only making the ALCS for another year, but more importantly, for taking over the reigns from the Yankees as having the most douchetastic fans in the league. So please Red Sox fans, wear those pink Papelbon jerseys and green Sox hats you bought for St. Paddy’s day with pride. It is easier for us to spot who’s the bandwagon douche who has never even been to Boston. Rays in five!

Not too much news on the college football front over the weekend. The top five blew out the teams they were supposed to blow out, with the exception for #2 Alabama. The Tide survived a 17 to 14 nail-biter against non-ranked Kentucky. You know Nick Saban is at home tonight, sitting in front of a globe. He’ll close his eyes, give it a big spin and point his finger down to stop the spinning. Saban will open his eyes and say “Next year I will coach in……………Miami??! Nope, that’s not gonna work.” (Closes his eyes and spins globe again.) “Next year I will coach in……………..Baton Rouge??!!! Damnit! This darn thing is broken! (Throws globe, calls agent and says “Give me Auburn’s phone number!”)

In the NFL, Packers fans continued to have nocturnal emmisions over missing Brett Favre. The Falcons Defense, however, had notcurnal emmissions all over Aaron Rodgers and his sore shoulder. (Get it? It’s a sexual pun.) On Sunday Night, Roethlisberger shook hands with the Jags’ enzone and said “Hey, remember me? We used to hang out a lot last year.” Big Ben reintroduced himself to their endzone three times. My boys from the Steel City kept everyone healthy and Mewelde Moore nearly ran for 100 yards. Meanwhile, Jags fans tried to intimidate me by yelling obcenities while wearing teal-colored shirts. Oxy-morons at their finest.

Tonight’s Picks:

FLORIDA ATLANTIC over Troy: Seriously, if you watch more than the first quarter of this game you should not be allowed to vote.

OBAMA over McCain: Town hall format at Belmont University. Watch for McCain to use negative attacks on Obama tonight. Then watch while Obama counters every false accusation with the truth. Candidates must be fluid, articulate and speak to the audience members with candor. Can McCain be any of those without note cards? We shall see.

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2 responses

8 10 2008
Species

well.. i thought this was a sports page… easy with bias, both are dirty fools… on another note, may the best man win and good luck to whomever does… on to a huge weekend in the BIG XII… Red River shootout and Missouri plays a surprising Oklahoma State!

8 10 2008
Mike D

Had a great time this weekend. Post debate, I think both of them are full of BS (as usual!?). Obama’s great at oral. McCain might not be AS good, but he’s a lot more expeirenced. It sounds like that doesn’t make sense, but dammit it does. Nice teal rag comment. I don’t know why they didn’t wear black.

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