Front Office Executives Fix The Glitch, Except…Not Really

26 11 2008

What happens when a talented coach is forced to lead a team filled with a bunch of no talent ass clowns? Just ask recent victims, Wizards (ex) coach Eddie Jordan and Thunder (ex) coach P.J. Carlesimo. In this era of win now or go home, coaches are getting shit-caned faster than you can say “We fixed the glitch.” This trend is infecting professional and collegiate sports like Michael Vick is infecting fellow inmates with the herp.

Front office executives are letting more coaches go than long-time comboverand firing specialist Donald Trump. Only difference, their ratings do not increase like The Donald’s each time they say “Ya fired!” On the contrary, their franchise ratings and numbers suffer even worse. Attendances go down and losses continue to pile up like stink on shit. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at fellow combover and firing specialist Al Davis and his piss-poor rap sheet. Over the last five years, he has hired…then fired…four consecutive head coaches. In five seasons, the butt-pirates of Oakland have compiled an NFL-worst record of 20-64. That’s worse than (close your eyes Raiders fans) the Detroit Fucking Lions! Seriously, being worse than the Lions is like being the dumbest kid with downs syndrome.

Unfortunately for head coaches all over the board, many front office executives have begun to take the Al Davis “save-my-own-ass” approach. These executives, or “suits” are simply firing coaches to save their own precious, overpaid, Armani covered asses. When the legitimate reason behind their team’s 1-11 start…is not because the coach is struggling, but more so because the players those executives signed to multi-million dollar contracts are hurt, unproductive…or both. Executives, like Al Davis, are blaming the coaches in order to blind the fact that…maybe, just maybe…signing a player like DeAngelo Hall to a $70 million contract…might not have been the best idea.

So who suffers on behalf of a front office fuck up? Coaches like Eddie Jordan who are expected to lead a team of no-talent ass whipes to the promise land. When the veterans and All-Stars of the team are on the bench (Arenas, Jamison & Haywood) and the rookies are forced to control the ball…it is truly a recipe for disaster. No coach, not Phil Jackson or Red Auerbach…not even Norman Dalehimself could lead Nick Young, DeSean Stevenson and Co. to the playoffs (or the Indiana High School State Championship for that matter.)

The silver lining for coaches like Jordan and Carlesimo will come around the All-Star break for the NBA. They’ll turn on their TVs to SportsCenter or click on to check their old team’s record and standings. Both teams will still be in last place. Their replacement coaches will be pulling out their hair and stressing about the future of their jobs. Sitting at 8-33, they’ll be trying to figure out a way to ensure that All-Stars like Caron Butler and Kevin Durant are the only ones allowed to touch the ball. Meanwhile, Jordan will be smiling because of numerous job offers…and Carlesimo will be soaking up the sun on vacation, smiling while he realizes he no longer has to live in Oklahoma City.



Candidates For Obama’s Cabinet Pull The “I Also Used To Play JV Basketball” Card

18 11 2008

Thanks to the political research team here at APR (aka me watching CNN on my couch) we have been working tirelessly to uncover the candidates for the new White House administration. With nearly 8,000 jobs to be filled in the next few weeks, President Elect Obama will certainly have his desk swarming with resumes and cover letters. Everyone from Hillary Clinton and Colin Powell to Joe Sixpack and Joe the Plumber (well, maybe not that d-bag) will be vying for a spot on Obama’s staff. These potential candidates are currently searching through the Plum Booklike a political version of Cragislist (minus the whole casual encounters part.)

Resumes and portfolios are already piling up on the desk of the Oval Office. They’re stacked up right next to the even larger pile marked: “Shit Bush Left Obama To Deal With.” Since the resumes will be in the thousands, candidates will be forced to stand out from the pack. Even the top positions will have to duke it out through experience and originality. Sure, most of them have great foreign policy and health care experience, but why would one be a better Secretary of State than the other? That is the difficult question Obama is currently faced with. Could the President Elect work so closely with Hillary after beating her in the primaries? Would Republican Colin Powell work in an all Democratic Cabinet? What will the candidates do to make themselves stand out?

These candidates obviously know Obama well enough by now to cater to his interests. Hillary has the experience in the Senate along with health care reform, but she realizes that is not enough to get her hired. Powell has previously served as Secretary of State and understands the rigors of the job, but he realizes that is not enough to get him the position he so desires. That is why these candidates and others have resorted to…straight up brown nosing.

President Elect Obama has never made it a secret how much he enjoys basketball. There have been numerous interviews regarding his desire to play pick-up games even on the campaign trail. Reports have also leaked that he will build a court at his new residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. With their knowledge of Obama’s favorite past time and a keen ability to suck up, candidates are including their interest in basketball on their resumes.

Thanks to our insider political sources (once again, that would be me scanning the Internet and watching CNN) these important resumes have been uncovered. The research team here has located the resumes of a few powerful candidates competing for the top positions in Obama’s cabinet. And by “located their resumes” I mean “made them up on Microsoft publisher.” Okay….so they might not be technically “real” resumes, but I would not be surprised if these candidates actually do pull the “I used to play JV basketball” card in hopes of landing the job.

Here’s what a few resumes might look like by the time they hit Obama’s desk:



President Bush “Shocks” America

13 11 2008

"Hey can put your 30% approval rating right where this pinkie's goin."

Just take a minute to let this picture sink in………..

Alright, so if you haven’t realized it yet…President Bush has pretty much dialed it in for the rest of his term. I think he sat down with Laura a few months ago, right around the Olympics and said “I’m done with this Presidencing shit!”

Here he is pictured with members of the Arizona State Men’s & Women’s Track team. “Shocking” isn’t it! I’m sure someone on the track team told Bush their hand sign stood for a pitchfork, to represent their Sun Devil mascot. What I am ALSO sure of, however, is that Bush chuckled his way through this photo op and kept muttering under his breath “two in the pink, one in the stink!” Seriously, do you think a guy from Texas who used to be an alcoholic… who used to do a lot of blow…doesn’t know what “two in the goo, one in the poo” means!? Come on! I bet you can find him throwing up a shocker or two in an old Yale yearbook.

Whatever the case, I’d just like to say: thank you Mr. President. Thank you for phoning in the final days of your presidency and allowing the American public to at least get a few laughs in before you leave Washington. We can only hope that Texas Tech wins the BCS Championship for the sole purpose of your last college photo op. When the Red Raiders show you how to flash their hand sign, you’ll more than likely fuck it up. “Texas Tech is number one!”


Rafer Alston Channels His Inner Skip 2 My Lou, Goes Street On Everybody’s Ass

13 11 2008

Before I get into this new article, let me start off by saying… I’m sorry. I know there were many of you (at least 2 or 3) who have been checking the site everyday, hoping, pining, praying for a new article. To those of you who have been balled up in front of your computer, sobbing and refreshing for the past six days…well, I say to you….SIMMA DOWN! I’m back dicknose.

So, remember when Rafer Alston was good at basketball? Yeah, me neither. Even his former alter, better ball-handling ego Skip 2 My Lou…couldn’t shoot or defend for shit. Dribbling off defender’s forheads and in between their legs is cool and makes for a funny highlight…but unfortunately for Skip, traveling is a violation in the NBA.

Last night, Skip 2 My Alston aka Rafer 2 My Lou, brought out his old street ballin’ skills against the Suns. And by “street ballin’ skills” I mean… “swinging fists of furry.” Alston went AND1 on everybody’s ass last night after Matt Barnes through a hard pick out on the key. The shove immediately flipped a switch in Alston. If you slow the video down, you can actually see the instant when Rafer Alston changes from Bruce Banner… into a street-ballin-Hulk. The video is too fuzzy to read his lips, but I’m guessing he said something along the lines of “Ahh heeeeell nah! You’re about to see every bit of street I’ve got left in me muthaaafucka!” ………Just a shot in the dark.

This Jagoff Is Gowen Dahntahn To See The Stillers

7 11 2008

This world traveler is heading out on vacation again this weekend. I’m off to the beautiful, warm and charming city of Pittsburgh. Except it’s really non of those. Look for my beautiful mug on Sunday afternoon in Hienz Field’s South endzone. I’ll be the guy wearing black and gold.

Until then, study up on your Pittsburghese…you jagoffs!

A Night To Remember

6 11 2008
Hold on to your keyboard and nipples people, this blogger is about to get insightful. Most of you come to my blog with the anticipation of reading something about as deep as a plastic kiddie pool. I hardly drop my humor and phenomenal wit to delve into something profound. On this day however, November 5, 2008, I would be remiss if I did not discuss with you the groundbreaking events of last night. Don’t worry, there will still be a few fucking curse words or two to make you feel right at home.
obama dunk

With 349 Electoral votes and counting, Obama simply dominated McCain.

It all started yesterday with margaritas (making vomiting sounds) at 10:30 a.m.  (Sorry……”fuking margaritas.”) Jesus, I’m not a trained monkey here people. You just can’t expect me to curse in every godamn article! Anyways…. what the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, pre-noon tequila.
Tequila is always one of those things that starts off as a genius idea, then quickly turns south after you realize you just drank three strong ass margaritas. In your office…With higher-ups in the company…Before eating….anything. Nonetheless, Election Day 2008 started off with a bang (and maybe a dry heave or two.)
Before the Patron and early afternoon hangover…. I woke up yesterday with an overwhelming feeling of hope. A feeling that we would all be a part of something much bigger than ourselves later that evening. I could feel it as I turned on CNN while waking up late for work. Polls were opening, long lines were forming and millions of people were making their voices heard. Switching over to FOX, just to make sure my morning news would be “fair and balanced,” a scrolling headline read “McCain Wins With 0% Reporting!!!” Greta Van Susteren kept yelling “McCain ith Prethident!”
Before walking out the door, I threw on my “Barack. Paper. Scissors” t-shirt and made my way to work via DC’s public transportation. It was overcast and nipply out, but most city commuters had looks of possibility in their eyes and warm smiles on their faces. We could feel the change-a-comin’!
As the afternoon flew by, thanks to our Government Relations Dept. and their stash of top-shelf tequila, the excitement and anxiety grew by the hour. We finally closed up shop, said our good lucks and prepared ourselves for one hell of a memorable evening. Whichever way the cookie were to crumble, the world was in for a historic night.
A few of us set up at a bar not too far from our office downtown. We grabbed a few pitchers, an order of sliders or two and posted up like Dikembe Mutombo. The normally raucous crowd stared incessantly at the four flatscreens, all of which were tuned to CNN’s live coverage. With each dramatic commercial break, we waited for the obnoxiously loud music to inform us a “CNN Prediction” had been made. It was electrifying and the feeling was contagious. People screamed with each state that was announced. First Pennsylvania came, along with a barrage of high fives and multiple cheers. The more states Wolf Blitzer announced, the more cheering and awkward Tiger Woods-esque high fives were thrown. It had the feeling of a World Series game seven or a Super Bowl overtime. Then came the announcements of Ohio and Virginia, Obamataking both. It was then that people started to get silent. Collectively, we all started to realize “holy shit, this could really happen…and happen soon.” It was at that moment that the California polls closed. The state with 54 electoral votes was enough to sling Obama past the 270 needed to be elected….and with plenty to spare.
The packed bar stared at the screen…fingers crossed, waiting as if a last second field goal was about to be kicked. With no time to prepare for what was about to happen, Wolf came on screen. Before the words could leave his mouth, the headline hit CNN…sending nearly 100 of us into a victorious roar. “CNN Projection: Barack Obama Elected President.” High fives flew, tears were flowing and beer was spilling everywhere from all the celebratory cheers. You could hear local bars and restaurants near by erupt into the same enthusiastic roar. At that very moment, we were all witnessing history in the making.
As McCain stepped on stage to make his concession speech, the bar returned to it’s normal octave. The patrons could see the hard work in his eyes combined with the lack of sleep and sadness he must have felt. He was gracious and everyone appreciated that. At the end of his difficult speech, the crowd once again erupted, as if to acknowledge the good fight McCain’s campaign put up.
After 30 minutes of waiting, then came the moment we had all been anticipating. When Obama finally made his way on stage in front of over 200,000 people in Chicago…our bar went silent. Everyone just stared, doe-eyed, clenching on to their beers. I could over hear a guy near me mutter “Dude, this speech is going to make me cry like a little bitch.” Believe me, he wasn’t the only one. People were transfixed on Obama throughout his speech. No one dared speak. Looking around the room, there was not a dry eye in the house. Grown men, women, even the bartenders were choking up. It was more powerful than we could have ever imagined. People were consumed by the moment and everything that it encompassed. A moment we will certainly tell our children and grandchildren about.
“Let’s go to the White House!” Someone yelled as Obama’s speech ended. Without thinking or explaining why the White House exactly…everyone piled out of the bar and headed for the streets. It was 12:30 a.m. on an early Wednesday morning and the streets were alive like Mardi Gras! It felt like Spring Break, Mardi Gras and the Super Bowl all rolled into one night. Every street was packed with cars and ecstatic pedestrians…and we were all headed for the White House.
The walk was long, but no one gave a shit. It was raining, but no one gave a shit. Most everyone had to work in a few hours…and no one gave a shit. People were running up to cars and throwing high fives. Strangers were dancing in the street and shouting “We did it!” It was the most electrifying two- mile-walk any of us had ever made.
After countless high-fives and cheers with thousands of strangers, we finally made our way to the front gates of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. There were thousands of people crammed in, shoulder to shoulder. Some with signs reading “Goodbye Bush.” Others had bongos to help the crowd keep rhythm while chanting “OH-BAH-MUH” The crowd was big and condensed, but it was unlike any sporting event or concert crowd I had ever seen. People were too overwhelmed with what was taking place to worry about someone stepping on their toes, or getting bumped into constantly. There were no fights or animosity to be found within the crowd.
A friend of mine suggested we have some fun and start a chant of our own. For all intents and purposes, we wanted to see how many people we could get involved in our genius idea. So, we made our way through the crowd and started up the all-time-favorite “na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye.” It was a statement to Bush and to the past eight years that our country has endured. The chant caught on like wildfire. We were jumping up and down with strangers, signing at the top of our lungs and pumping our fists. We jumped in front of news cameras and started our chant. We walked around aimlessly and started our chant. Every time we did it, more and more people jumped on the bandwaggon.
Around 1:30 a.m. our voices started to fade and so did the crowd. We started the walk back to our respective neighborhoods and realized something amazing. No one was stopping. People were still hanging out of cars and honking horns. People were still dancing in the street and screaming “We did it.” Everyone wanted to soak up the historic night in its entirety…and who could blame them. The walk home was just as lively and electrifying as the one down to the White House. High-fiving and cheering continued. People got our of their cars and danced, sang and even hugged random strangers.
For a kid who grew up in a rural-redneck-ignorant area of the country, there was something comforting and rewarding about seeing so many people in my new neighborhood excited about change. People in DC were not only embracing the idea of an African-American President, but we were cheering, chanting and singing for it. Whereas in my hometown, residents were informing local democratic committee cold callers that they would never “Vote for that fucking (N-word.)” Needless to say, I had never been happier to be a DC resident than on November 4th.
I finally got back to my apartment around 2:30 a.m. I turned on CNN, flipped off the lights and crashed out on my queen size-bed. My legs were tired, but I didn’t give a shit. My voice was nowhere to be found, but I didn’t give a shit. My hangover was starting to kick in…and I couldn’tgive a shit. Before passing out for the count, I threw open my eighth floor window. It was nearing 3:00 a.m. and the sound of car horns, people cheering and singing still engulfed the streets below. I closed my eyes, smiled and thought….I will remember this night forever.

Don’t Jump! Well, Alright…If You Must

3 11 2008

Another APR reader who couldn’t handle the withdrawals from no posts this past week. (It’s either that or another drunk ass Phillies fan trying to climb a light post and failing miserably.)

Put down that two-liter bottle of Jack and stop drinking yourself into a lonely stupor. I’m back! If you’ve been siting by your computer screen, biting your fingernails and constantly refreshing APR for the past week (that goes for all two of you) well then…I’m sorry. I do have a REAL job though people. As much as you think I’m showering in $100 bills thanks to the big bucks I’m making from this blog, you’d unfortunately be mistaken. I do, however, shower in $50 bills. They’re much softer on the skin and I constantly yell out “FIFTY DAHRAH BILL” Here’s what we missed this past week while I was out drinking tequila (making vomiting sounds) and making an ass of myself in Dallas.

Well first off, a big congratulations goes out to the 2008 World Series Champions, the Philadelphia Phillies. All those years of suffering with disappointing season after season are finally over! Phillies fans no longer have an excuse for being miserable human beings. Well, except the fact they still have to wake up in Philly everyday. That’s reason enough to throw snowballs at Santa.

As for the Rays that no longer belong to the Devil, it was an amazing run. Sure, Rays executives might win the award for “Most Annoying Noise at a Sporting Event Ever” by passing out thousands of cowbells…but they also win the “We turned the shittiest team in baseball into a World Series contender” award as well. Soak it in Red Sox and Yankees fans, the Rays are now a viable contender for the AL East title again. No more of this “they’ll blow it soonah or latah” nonsense. This team is young, full of talent and ready to take over the best division in baseball. They may not have won the World Series, but beating the Sox at home in game seven of the ALCS….that was victorious enough. There’s something about seeing someone in a green Sox hat, crying into their Sam Adams and clam chowdah….. it gives me goosebumps.

Now that the MLB playoffs are over, it’s time to turn my attention back to the sports that are actually exciting to watch: football and basketball. Oh yeah, in case you didn’t realize it….the NBA started back up last Tuesday. If you didn’t notice, it’s OK……because no one really did. Here’s what you missed while watching the nail-biter that was Marshall vs. Houston last Tuesday. The NBA started off 2008 with a bang. And by bang I mean…Paul Pierce sobbing on national television…again. Before the tip-off of the opening game between Boston and Cleveland, the Celtics smacked the Cavs in the face and showed them what happens when you actually WIN a championship. As LeBron looked on with angst and jealousy, Paul Pierce and Co. were awarded their rings. Thankfully LeBron held it together during the ceremony. If there had been anymore tears in that arena, the parckay would have flooded. The NBA. Where Crying Like A Little Girl Happens

The BCS rankings were shaken up Saturday night when Texas and Texas Tech battled to see who had the most rednecks flashing retarded school-hand-signs. Still not sure if all those “L’s” that Red Raiders fans were throwing in the air were shown to represent their school, or to remind Colt McCoy who he really is. Either way, Texas Tech not only won the battle of who had more hillbillies in the crowd, but they were also victorious on the field. Graham Harrell and Michael Crabtree boosted their numbers in the polls for Heisman Trophy Candidates. All while coach Mike Leach boosted his polls in the Vince Gilllook-a-like contest. The Red Raiders big win, their first over a number one ranked team, bumped them up to the number two slot in the BCS standings. At least their schedule is easy from here on out (heavy on the sarcasm.) They only have to get past #9 Oklahoma State and #6 Oklahoma to reach the Big 12 Championship.

A request to ESPN and ABC: can we please have Bobby Knight on ESPN’s College Game Day every damn Saturday? He may have ABC producers running for the bleep button, but my god is he more entertaining than Desmond Howard. Granted, a squirrel would be more entertaining than Desmond Howard.


In case you haven’t seen, here are the new and improvedhorrible BCS rankings. Let’s see how long these last.


–A little breaking news: The Pistons have just agreed in principle to send Chauncey Billups and Antonio McDyess to the Nuggets for Allen Iverson. Not exactly sure what “agreed in principle” means…….but I’m guessing it’s something like “making sure Allen Iverson doesn’t get fucked out of his contract.” Just a hunch.