Don’t Jump! Well, Alright…If You Must

3 11 2008

Another APR reader who couldn’t handle the withdrawals from no posts this past week. (It’s either that or another drunk ass Phillies fan trying to climb a light post and failing miserably.)

Put down that two-liter bottle of Jack and stop drinking yourself into a lonely stupor. I’m back! If you’ve been siting by your computer screen, biting your fingernails and constantly refreshing APR for the past week (that goes for all two of you) well then…I’m sorry. I do have a REAL job though people. As much as you think I’m showering in $100 bills thanks to the big bucks I’m making from this blog, you’d unfortunately be mistaken. I do, however, shower in $50 bills. They’re much softer on the skin and I constantly yell out “FIFTY DAHRAH BILL” Here’s what we missed this past week while I was out drinking tequila (making vomiting sounds) and making an ass of myself in Dallas.

Well first off, a big congratulations goes out to the 2008 World Series Champions, the Philadelphia Phillies. All those years of suffering with disappointing season after season are finally over! Phillies fans no longer have an excuse for being miserable human beings. Well, except the fact they still have to wake up in Philly everyday. That’s reason enough to throw snowballs at Santa.

As for the Rays that no longer belong to the Devil, it was an amazing run. Sure, Rays executives might win the award for “Most Annoying Noise at a Sporting Event Ever” by passing out thousands of cowbells…but they also win the “We turned the shittiest team in baseball into a World Series contender” award as well. Soak it in Red Sox and Yankees fans, the Rays are now a viable contender for the AL East title again. No more of this “they’ll blow it soonah or latah” nonsense. This team is young, full of talent and ready to take over the best division in baseball. They may not have won the World Series, but beating the Sox at home in game seven of the ALCS….that was victorious enough. There’s something about seeing someone in a green Sox hat, crying into their Sam Adams and clam chowdah….. it gives me goosebumps.

Now that the MLB playoffs are over, it’s time to turn my attention back to the sports that are actually exciting to watch: football and basketball. Oh yeah, in case you didn’t realize it….the NBA started back up last Tuesday. If you didn’t notice, it’s OK……because no one really did. Here’s what you missed while watching the nail-biter that was Marshall vs. Houston last Tuesday. The NBA started off 2008 with a bang. And by bang I mean…Paul Pierce sobbing on national television…again. Before the tip-off of the opening game between Boston and Cleveland, the Celtics smacked the Cavs in the face and showed them what happens when you actually WIN a championship. As LeBron looked on with angst and jealousy, Paul Pierce and Co. were awarded their rings. Thankfully LeBron held it together during the ceremony. If there had been anymore tears in that arena, the parckay would have flooded. The NBA. Where Crying Like A Little Girl Happens

The BCS rankings were shaken up Saturday night when Texas and Texas Tech battled to see who had the most rednecks flashing retarded school-hand-signs. Still not sure if all those “L’s” that Red Raiders fans were throwing in the air were shown to represent their school, or to remind Colt McCoy who he really is. Either way, Texas Tech not only won the battle of who had more hillbillies in the crowd, but they were also victorious on the field. Graham Harrell and Michael Crabtree boosted their numbers in the polls for Heisman Trophy Candidates. All while coach Mike Leach boosted his polls in the Vince Gilllook-a-like contest. The Red Raiders big win, their first over a number one ranked team, bumped them up to the number two slot in the BCS standings. At least their schedule is easy from here on out (heavy on the sarcasm.) They only have to get past #9 Oklahoma State and #6 Oklahoma to reach the Big 12 Championship.

A request to ESPN and ABC: can we please have Bobby Knight on ESPN’s College Game Day every damn Saturday? He may have ABC producers running for the bleep button, but my god is he more entertaining than Desmond Howard. Granted, a squirrel would be more entertaining than Desmond Howard.


In case you haven’t seen, here are the new and improvedhorrible BCS rankings. Let’s see how long these last.


–A little breaking news: The Pistons have just agreed in principle to send Chauncey Billups and Antonio McDyess to the Nuggets for Allen Iverson. Not exactly sure what “agreed in principle” means…….but I’m guessing it’s something like “making sure Allen Iverson doesn’t get fucked out of his contract.” Just a hunch.





2 responses

4 11 2008

first thing… those aren’t L’s those are little hand guns… they make 2 of them and point them to the sky… second… Texas is still in it!… they will win out and hopefully…and I’m pretty damn sure they will…tech will lose, resulting in a 3 way tie for the Big XII championship…I think texas has the edge in the event of a tie, based on the tie breaker rules…should be very interesting

22 02 2010

it’s rude to assume that texans are hillbillies. honestly there was no type of action in the crowd or on the field that indicated that all texans dip snuff, say howdy, race monster trucks, and whatever else you’d like to assume. get a life.

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