Plaxico Shot Himself In The Career, Thigh

3 12 2008

You would not have to turn on the TV, radio, internet or open a newspaper to realize that Plaxico Burress is a godamn idiot. If you did happen to sort through some form of communications medium in the past few days, however, you would have solidified that Plaxico is in fact…a complete and utter moron.

This past Friday night, Plaxico showed his true retarded colors to partygoers, hospital workers and law enforcement officials in Manhattan. Here’s what I like to call a “retard rundown” of Plaxico’s wild and idiotic Friday night:

-First, Plax goes to a nightclub in Manhattan wearing…get this…sweatpants! Who the hell goes to a club…in Manhattan no less…wearing fucking sweatpants? Aren’t there rules and dress codes for most nightclubs? I’m almost positive every nightclub worth its cover charge has a “no fucking sweatpants” rule.

-As if the wardrobe isn’t enough of a horrible decision, Plax also reveals to the club owners that he is carrying a gun. I’m not sure what kind of sweatpant and concealed weapon allowing nightclub this is…but I’m pretty damn sure I’m marking it off my list of “places I need to go in NYC.”

-After realizing that loose fitting sweatpants might have been a bad choice to holster a weapon, Plaxico decides to fumble around with his gun in the club. Because, you know…fumbling around with a gun is ALWAYS a genius idea. No one ever gets hurt while fumbling arou…BAM! Ah shit, Plaxico just shot himself in the thigh!

-At this point, Plaxico does in fact shoot himself in the thigh.

-Fellow teammate and accomplice, Antonio Pierce, plays the Al Cowlingsrole (minus the White Bronco) and hides the gun in his glove compartment, just before driving Plax to the hospital.

-Members of the Manhattan hospital where Burress is being treated decide to say “fuck the law” and not report the shooting to police (something that is required by law.)

After a streak of idiotic events and decisions, Burress finally realizes he is pretty much fucked. Because after the bullet went through his right thigh…it then moved on to penetrate and soon destroy his career.

One would think that after a person shoots himself, by accident…the most severe damage has been done. You figure oh shit, that guy has gone through enough having to deal with a gunshot wound and all. The truth, however, is the bullet has only grazed the surface on just how fucked Plaxico really is. After turning himself in Monday morning for the possession of an illegal firearm, Plax should forget about the pain in his leg…and worry more about the eventual pain he’s going to feel in his ass. Get it? I’m talking about anal rape. Ya know, cause he’s probably going to jail? Oh forget it, let’s just move on.

Word came down this morning that Plaxico will be suspended by the NFL for the rest of the season. He will also not be allowed to participate with the Giants in the playoffs. In reality though, that is the least of Plax’s worries at this point. If Mayor Bloomberg gets his way…Plaxico will be facing anywhere between 3 1/2 to 15 years in federal “pound-me-in-the-ass-prison.”

Okay, so famous people find their way out of criminal charges nearly everytime they are arrested. Look at people like Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton; they blew lines in front of cops and didn’t get arrested. Hell, they could have blown lines ON cops and they still wouldn’t have been arrested. This case, however, is too clear cut…too black and white for Plaxico not to be royally screwed. The charge he is facing, illegal weapons possession, is one that requires AT LEAST 3 1/2 years of prison time. That means a MINIMUM of nearly four years in jail. That is what any Joe Schmo on the streets of New York City would face if they “accidentally” shot themselves in a Manhattan nightclub.

How can you argue that he was not in possession of an illegal weapon? For Christ’s sake, he’s got a gaping bullet wound in his leg, hundreds of club rats and a hospital full of witnesses to refute any arguments. Unless he reaches a plea agreement (which will most likely be the case) Plaxico’s next date in court is not until March 31. Will he be suited up in a New York Giants’ number 17 uniform next year, or will he be wearing a New York Correction’s number 174256 uniform instead? Only time and 12 angry men will tell.

Side note, this might be the best damn article related to this whole Plaxico nonsense: “Eli Manning Accidentally Shoots Himself With A Water Gun At Chuck E. Cheese.” Seriously, if you don’t read Sportspickle…you need to get your shit together and start checking it every Wednesday. It is the balls and shaft of sports humor. (I guess that would make this site the taint.)





One response

3 12 2008
Sporty Guy

what is going on with the NYPD? I will take the athletes side for a moment. Why would the NYPD be bringing charges against a man who shot himself by accident? Are they bored, are they not happy that he was a large part of their amazing Championship run? Isn’t the fact that he was foolish enough to shoot himself in the leg and have the entire Country laugh at him enough punishment? PLUS, he lost millions for being kicked off the Giants roster.. I mean really. Vick was one thing, but this is just silly.

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