These Are Not Your Father’s “Chico’s Bail Bonds” T-Shirts

18 12 2008

In case you haven’t figured out that I like sports movies, take a quick look at the url youtyped in to get here numbnuts. If you scan through my immaculate DVD collection, you won’t find movies like The Lord of the Rings or any of the Harry Potter installments. Well, unless you count Harry Twatter and the Sorcerers Bone… but that’s just great acting. You will, however, find some of the greatest sports movies ever made. And no I don’t mean anything starring “The Rock”  or Whoopi Goldberg as headcoach for the Knicks.

There are movies that get you pumped up like Rocky IV, The Karate Kid (the montage scene), Friday Night Lights,  Any Given Sunday(Pecino’s “inch by inch” speech) and Varsity Blues (tell me you don’t get jacked up when the Foo Fighters “There Goes My Hero” comes on. Oh you don’t? Well then sir…you’re just a cumdumpster.

Then there are the comeback stories. The ones that leave you feeling like even a suck-at-life-jerk such as youself can accomplish anything. These would be your Rudy‘s, Replacements, Tin Cup, Major League (1 & 2), Little Giants, Mighty Ducks, Rookie of the Year, The Sandlot (“You’re killin’ me smalls!”), Hoosiers and Remember the Titans.

And last but not least, the sports movies you won’t watch around your friends…for the sole purpose that you uncontrollably weep at certain moments. Granted, most of these also fall into the comeback category, i.e. Rudy (go ahead pussy, try not to cry when Rudy makes that lone tackle at the end), Hoosiers and Remember the Titans. Most of you might even cry just by reading this movie title: Brian’s Song.

You can trust me when it comes to my knowledge of theatrical blockbusters based on athletics. You might not trust me to “hold” your beer or “keep an eye” on your girlfriend…but you certainly can trust me when I say…”I found some pretty phenomenal sports movie t-shirts!”

Before breaking down a list of the best sports movie shirts, take a look at this website. They have a balls deep selection from movies like Major League and Rookie of the Year, to Mighty Ducks and Baseketball. If you’re still shopping around for Christmas (or should I say, haven’t even started yet) have a peek at these Ts.

Top 5 Sports Movie T-Shirts:

5.) So…Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is not necessarily a sports movie, but this shirt represents one of the best football characters ever. There are so many lines that come to mind, “Einhorn is Finkle, Finkle is Einhorn…Einhorn is a man!?”, “Laces out Dan,” “I’m in phsychoville and Finkle’s the mayor.” If this shirt said “Einhorn” on the front, I would be wearing it right now.










4.) Rod Tidwell might be the best receiver to ever come out of Arizona State…and he’s not even a real person! This Jerry Maguire reference beats the shit out of any “Show me the money” shirt. If this shirt said “I’m lovin’ you…lovin’ me on the front, it would be hanging in my closet right now.










3.) Remember Henry Rowengartner? The best 12-year-old right-hander since Danny Almontay (and that little bastard wasn’t even 12!) Since no one could pronounce Rosenbagger’s name right, this Rookie of the Yearjersey is not only a spelling test, but a great shirt. If this shirt came with a full arm cast, I’d wear it and make people call me “Gardenhoser!”











2.) “Kilmer’s Coyotes” were a great group of sports movie characters. From Billy Bob to Moxon, you could choose any of their jersey-shirts and they’d all be money. There is one character, however, one who said such gems as “shut up and hold on to your nipples ladies,” who made Stifler from American Pie look like a douche. If only they made this jersey for girls with a whip cream bikini on the front.











1.) Choosing just one Major Leaguecharacter was no easy task. Cerrano and Wild Thing Vaughan are stellar choices, but Dorn’s piss poor third base play is what makes this movie so great. Picking number one was a tough decision, but any shirt that features the king of sports movie douches…has to be at the top of the list. “Lean into one Dorn. Alright, but this isn’t my bat.” Roger Dorn is such a jackass, that it makes this shirt simply awesome.









–For some reason these shirt photos are being a-holes and only showing the front. Check out the website to see them in their entirety. By the way, I wear a medium.





2 responses

18 12 2008

I need a Pedro Cerrano jersey shirt ASAP!! “Hat for bats. Keep bats warm.”

Awesome post.

18 12 2008

So who’s GF are you keeping an eye on while I am in NY? You two must be watching Harry Twatter together. Nice.

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