Plane Ticket To Tampa, Check. Roethlisberger Jersey, Check. Terrible Towel, Check. Super Bowl Ticket…Not So Much.

30 01 2009

Ahh Tampa, Florida…it’s a warm place with shady people, and the site of this year’s Super Bowl. Which means the influx of shady people is about to multiply by 100,000.

As a somewhat-obsessed Steeler fan, I’ll be attending the festivities down in Trampa this weekend. No, I do not have a ticket to what some would call the “actual game”, but I will certainly be begging, borrowing and possibly selling myself on Bruce B. Downs Blvd. for a game ticket. If any reader happens to have an extra $2k lying around, let me know and I’ll send you a free “I read the Annexation of Puerto Rico and all I got was this louzy fucking shirt” t-shirt.

You asshats ovbiously know who I am rooting for, so throw in your comments as to who you think will come out on top (besides your mom). If you need me, I’ll be stumbling around Raymond James Stadium with a Terrible Towel in one hand and my dignity in the other. Hopefully I don’t lose both!

 

Here we go Steelers…Here we go!!!!

edunn

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A Front Row Seat To Change

23 01 2009
change

You could smell the change in the air...or maybe that was just marijuana"

I know what you are thinking, you didn’t come to The Annexation to read about politics. You came to have your mind blown by incredible sports satire with the possibility of a masturbation reference or two. Well guess what asshat, some things are more important than why Jeff Kent is retiring or which NFL coach just got canned. Some stories supersede athletics and vile analogies. So, if you were hoping for an article about Kurt Warner’s spikey-haired wife reappearing at this year’s Super Bowl, or a story about why Mark “Dirty” Sanchez will be a bust in the NFL like his mentor Matt “Beer Bong” Leinhart, you might be disappointed today. Funny story though, this is my sports blog and I can write about whatever the hell I want. If you don’t like it, you can take your ungrateful attitude over to www.withleather.com. (Here’s where I quickly realize this blog only has three dedicated readers.) Sorry, I take it back. Please stay, I promise I’ll write about sports with metaphors about pooping in the next article.

Let me start by saying, waking up before 8:00a.m. is something I try my damnedest not to do. There are few things that are worth getting up before the sun rises. Unless you’re expecting presents under a Christmas tree, or trying to duck out of the hotel room before the hooker wakes up, waking up before sunrise is a terrible idea. Alarms even sound different when they go off before 8:00a.m. They make this screeching, high pitched noise…like fingernails on a chalkboard or the sound of hundreds of crying babies. When you open your eyes and see a blurry 6:00a.m. coming out of your asshole of an alarm clock, it can honestly make you sick to your stomach.

On this morning, however, the sound of 6:00a.m. somehow didn’t make me want to kill a kitten. I slid out of bed and felt proud of myself for being up so early. You know that feeling when you know you’re going to be early for something? It’s kind of like saying a big “screw you” to all those people who will be stuck in traffic or waiting in line. Well, that pride lasted a solid two minutes until I flipped on CNN. Thinking I was the only person out of two million who had the bright idea of “beating the rush,” I quickly learned that I was in fact an idiot. By 6:15a.m., half of the Mall was already full. That means that nearly one million people woke up EARLIER and said a big “screw you” to me.

Before our two and a half mile walk to the Capitol began, we stacked on about 37 layers of clothing, 10 to 15 hand warmers, lip balm, two pairs of gloves and three pairs of socks. I felt like the little brother in A Christmas Story, remember when he can’t lift his arms because he’s stuck in too many damn layers? Picture that kid with a Steelers beanie on, that was me.

Surprisingly, our long trek down to the Mall didn’t seem too cold, or too long. Every street corner and sidewalk was lined with thousands of people fighting the cold with good spirits. We were colder than a polar bear’s toenails, but no one really seemed to mind. By the time we got to the lower street numbers near 3rd street, we followed a large crowd heading into a street tunnel. Walking into that tunnel, there was no exit in sight. The only thing you could see were thousands of people, shoulder to shoulder, wall to wall, walking into an abyss. At that point, however, we all said fuck it and followed the crowd.

It was at this moment that I realized how different this crowd was. We’ve all been through large crowds at sporting events or large concerts, but there was a different vibe amongst these people. Thousands of people were smiling, chanting and waving American flags through the bitter, winter air. Strangers were rubbing against each other in the large stack of people, but it bothered no one. There was no pushing, shoving and aggravation to be found. We all were excited to be a part of history.

After an exceptional amount of weaving in between people and a barrage of “excuse me”, we made our way to our specified ticketed area. People with tickets were separated by color. Our silver ticket granted us access to the very front portion of the Mall, just behind the Capitol Reflecting Pool. By the time we made it through security (they checked bags and waistbands) we set up shop in the very center of the first block of the Mall. With the crowd, the lines and the two and a half mile walk, we finally sat down at 9:15a.m. For you non-math wiz people out there, that’s nearly three hours.

With no food in our bodies and no water around us, people still found energy to scream, chant and continue to wave their flags. Among the 22 jumbo trons set up throughout the Mall, we sat just behind the first one. Our energy was exuded when the jumbo trons would portray famous celebrities, congressmen and Senators who were up in the bleacher area. They’d show Beyonce and Jay-Z, Ted Kennedy, John Cusak (thought that was pretty damn random) Denzel Washington and Leonardo DiCaprio. With each face they’d show, the crowd would start shouting.

Have you ever seen what 2 million people looks like? I’ve been in stadiums with nearly 100,000 spectators  and thought to myself “holy shit that’s a lot of people.” But 2 million? Imagine you’re at the beach, you look out at the ocean and all you can see is water. Now picture the ocean is filled with people. That’s what it looked like when I turned around. It was literally a sea of people. Cold and excited people.

One of the funniest moments of the morning was the reaction 2 million people gave President Bush as he appeared on 22 jumbo trons. I expected a massive collection of boos, hisses and maybe a few things thrown at the TV screens. The reaction, however, was laughter. No one booed, screamed or threw trash. People just laughed at him, like a joke.  This was Bush’s coups de gras, and all we could do was laugh.

After nearly two hours of standing around, just about the time my hand warmers cooled off, the announcer introduced President Elect Barack Obama. When he finished shaking hands and kissing babies, he met Chief Justice John “I can’t memorize my lines” Roberts at the podium. Apparently someone forgot to inform Roberts that today was Inauguration day. You know, January 20th! The day that’s been on his calendar for the past four fucking years! As Obama placed his hand on the Lincoln Bible, Roberts started off the Oath of Office as if he were a nervous actor trying to remember his sole line in a movie. Obama, being the genius that he is, smiled and corrected the stammering idiot. (Some people have been saying Roberts messed this up on purpose because Obama did not support his seat to the Supreme Court. To that I say: “I fucking hope not!” I can only hope that our highest ranking judge in America does not hold grudges or pass “judgements” on people based on hearsay. That might defeat the whole purpose of innocent until proven guilty.

Then came the very moment we had all gathered to see. “The Moment” as CNN so eloquently called it (wanking motion) was “President Elect” becoming “President Barack Obama.” When the words “So help me God” were spoken, the crowd erupted into a sea of waving flags, cheers, hugs, high fives and tears. White, Black, Latino, Asian, none of that mattered. People were coming together like I’ve had never seen before. For those few minutes, none of us were strangers. Peace, love and camaraderie engulfed the Mall like a scene out of Forrest Gump, minus the whole Jenny running through the reflecting pool thing.

Before President Obama’s speech, I could not help but imagine what it would be like to stand at that podium and see 2 million people instantly go silent. The fact that he did not pass out with anxiety was already a victory in my mind. Just as Obama has done with speeches in the past, he mustered up the confidence and self-control to tee up his speech and once again knock it out of the park.

The crowd fell absolutely silent for those 10 minutes. We clutched onto the people we love, some even grabbed onto strangers. We starred incessantly at the jumbo tron, tears streaming as we all realized the importance of where we were and what we were witnessing. It was a feeling a will never forget, the kind where you close your eyes and whisper to yourself  “I’ll remember this moment for the rest of my life.” Kind of like when you lose your virginity, except this lasted more than five minutes.

The thing that gave us all  goosebumps, besides the 18 degree air, was the reason why so many people had descended upon the same place. They all wanted to be a part of something much larger than themselves.  More than just being a part of history, but also to soak in how far our country has come. Because whether you voted for him or not, Barack Obama represents the growth of our nation, from where we have come as  individuals, to the future cultivation of our country.

More to come soon, just keep refreshing. Don’t pretent like you don’t refresh this site every hour on the hour anyways. Sorry for the length of this article, ladies, I know you don’t mind the length. Eh, get it? Length? Fine, I’ll shut up now.

edunn





This Price Sounds Reasonable

16 01 2009

sb2

Just take a quick ganders at the ticket prices above for Super Bowl XLIII. I must caution you, however, take your laptop in the bathroom before doing so…these prices could make a grown man shit himself.

Notice how many numbers are to the left of each decimal place? Then just to the right of that decimal where it says “each?” Now take a second to realize, I found this page on StubHub by clicking a link titled:  “Cheap Super Bowl Tickets.” First off, what asshole at StubHub.com decided to throw the word “cheap” in that link? Some dickwad in the IT department, probably taking a break from playing Halo 3, thought it would be funny to mislead football fans by making them  believe the ticket prices they were about to read…were actually not too expensive! Then we inevitably click with hopes of  affording tickets to the Super Bowl for once in our GD lives and quickly notice that “cheap tickets”,  should actually be labeled: “Who are you kidding, you’re broke ass can’t afford Super Bowl fucking tickets!” Awesome. Another exciting year of paying to get in a bar, buying $6 Miller Lites and blacking out before the game ends. Super Bowl Sunday fuckin rocks!

Here’s a little something that might keep you up tonight, crying in the fetil position and wondering what the hell you’re doing with your life: Some people scan through those ticket prices, see the $2,000 price tag and still say: “I’ll take four.” These are the same dicks who make Christmas bonuses the same  size as your annual paycheck. I like to refer to them as “fucking assholes”, however, some people call them “wealthy.”

The hard truth is that Super Bowl tickets are so GD expensive, because assholes like your boss will drop four bills (that’s $4,000 for those who don’t speak street) on two tickets and think nothing of it. Where as when you drop a bill (actual one dollar bill)  on something, it usually involves a four piece McNugget or double cheeseburger. It’s a simple case of the haves…and the have nots.

So, long story short (probably too late) my beloved black and gold boys from the ‘Burgh are playing in Sunday night’s AFC North showdown. If they can make it a perfect 3-0 against the purple assholes of Baltimore, I will be flying back home to Tampa with hopes of going to Super Bowl XLIII. And when I say “going to the Super Bowl”, I mean “getting  shit-hammered and walking around the stadium in my beer-stained Big Ben jersey.” Because let’s face it, buying one ticket to the Super Bowl is like buying an expensive hooker for the night. It will feel great and certainly be memorable, but once your girlfriend/wife finds out you just spent the entire month’s rent for one night…you’ll have wished you at least got a BJ out of the deal. If that didn’t make sense, guess what…this is me not caring.

edunn





The Felating of Tim Tebow Continues

9 01 2009
tebow1

He wears crocs for god's sake and I still can't hate this a-hole

Have you ever wanted to hate someone you’ve never met? Say an ex-girlfriend starts dating someone new and you immediately think… fuck that guy. You don’t even know him, but just because he’s dating the girl you used to love/sleep with/finger blast,  you assume he’s a twat-rag. Then she introduces you both one night at a party, you shake his hand and smile, but in the back of your head you’re thinking “what are you looking at dicknose?”

Here’s the shitty part: you start talking to this inevitable jackass and slowly start to realize…he’s actually pretty awesome. So awesome in fact that it starts to piss you off more. Beacuse you see what she sees in him. He donates his spare time to charity. He makes a hell of a lot more money than you. He’s bigger than you, stronger than you and without a doubt smarter than you. He’s pretty much everything you think you are…but better.

This is how I feel about Jesus’ favorite southpaw, Timmy Tebow. I sincerely hate that I can not hate him. As a Florida State fan, it is ingrained in me to despise anything Gator-ish. Except those croc shoes, hatingthose plastic slip-ons has nothing to do with being a Nolefan…I just think the people who wear them look like lazy asswhipes.

Like my mother said, if you have nothing negative to say, don’t say anything at all. (I think she said the ass-opposite of that actually.) Oh well. Even though I will not be joining the media-felating fest of Tim Tebow, I still can’t say anything bad about the guy. And believe  me, I seriously tried.

I hate not hating you Tebow.

 

Breaking News (aka shit you’ve probably already heard) Timmy “The Circumciser” Tebow has announced he will not enter the NFL Draft. He most likely received a message from God last night who told him: “Tim my son, do you know how much hot, sundress-wearing ass you’ll get if you stay in Gainesville next year? Trust me, J.C. has been recruited some young freshmen talent for you. Make the right choice Timothy.”

edunn





As College Football Season Comes To A Close, Big Ten Fans Let Out Collective “Thank Fu#*ing God!”

6 01 2009
overrated

"Give me an O...V...E...R...R...A...T...E...D"

I hate to use excuses (not entirely true) but I have been without Internet access for the past week. AKA my neighbor turned off her wireless Internet, so I’ve been unable to steal her connection. She’s so damn inconsiderate. To all you die-hard loyal readers out there, if you think you’ve had it rough without updated sports satire to read, just imagine my distress…no internet connection means… no YouPorn! Yeah, it’s been like living in the dark ages of pornography the past few days. Scinemax and old dusty VHS tapes from the 80’s. Well, enough of this masturbatory jibber jabber…let’s get down to sports businass.

Grab your hankies and kleenex people…the college football season finale is tomorrow night. It truely will be sad to wake up on Saturday morningsafternoons and not see the College Gameday crew. There’s something about watching Lee Corso throw on a macsot’s headgear that helps induce my hangover regurgitation. I will, however, miss the linguistic stylings of guest analysts like Bobby Knight …and the ingenius signsthat fans wave behind Herbstreit’s head.

Here’s a little list the APR staff has constructed of other things not to miss about the 2008 College Football season:

6.) Tim Tebow’s cricumcizing Spring Break. (can’t that asshole just go to Panama City Beach and get arrested for drunken aggravated assault like the rest of us!)

5.) Dr. Lou and his facade of a degree in “Football Philosophy.” (With that speech impediment, I pray he gets on the bad side of a teleprompter operator and is forced to read: “Six strong safeties sacked seven serendipitous sophomores….Leth Go!”)

4.) The entire state of Washington. ( Statistically, Washington State and the University of Washington were two of the worst teams in college football history. The Huskies managed a Detroit Lions-esque undefeated season, the first in Pac-10 history and the only team in college football to finish without any wins or dignity.  The suckfest that was the Cougars season on the other hand, started with a 63 point loss to Cal and continued on a downward spiral when they lost to USC in a nail-biter, 69-0. After loosingtheir first and second-string quarterbacks, athletic officials started a campus-wide search for a new QB. Hoping for their own version of  Shane Falco, the Cougars unfortunately wound up winning only two games…one of which was a one-point-blowout to non other than…Washington. )

3.) The Orange Bowl. (Which is not even played in the “Orange Bowl” anymore. This year we were forced to watch another “no one really gives a shit game” as Cincinnati took on Virginia Tech. But of course we watched it. Like making yourself watch 2 Girls 1 Cup, you know it is going to be grotesque, but you’re still kind of interested to see what happens in the end. At least with the 2 girls video you got to see boobies. )

2.) The Big Ten Conference. (After going a remarkable 1-6 in their bowl games, Big Ten conference officials should look back on this season and say “Thank fu$#ing God that is over!” If there was a stench near the end of the college football season, it was the collective shittiness of the Big Ten programs. I thought the only bright light in the Big Ten’s tunnel of hopelessness was Penn State….that was, however, until they put their national championship hopes on the foot of Iowa’s kicker. Wisconsin, overrated as always, started the year off ranked at #8. After Florida State dismantled the Badgers in the Champs Sports Bowl,42-13, the Big Ten continued their sucktitude. Ohio State lost a third straight BCS game. But hey, at least this time it wasn’t for the national title! Michigan had another phenomenally subpar season with only three wins. Good to see that $8 mill is being spent wisely on Rich Rod. Michigan State had a decent run in ’08 with an outstanding runningback, however, they couldn’t keep up with Georgia’s even more outstanding running back in the Capital One Bowl.)

1.) You decide.

Write in and let the APR staff know what you will NOT miss about the 2008 College Football season.  Glad you won’t have to see another peice on ESPN about how much better of a man Tim Tebow is than you? Write a comment. If you’re a Big East fan, are you excited that your piss poor conference can now outshine on the basketball court, instead of getting manhandled in football at Dolphin Stadium? Write a comment. Let your voice be heard! The best comment will receive an Ohio State Fiesta Bowl Runners Up t-shirt.

edunn