As College Football Season Comes To A Close, Big Ten Fans Let Out Collective “Thank Fu#*ing God!”

6 01 2009

"Give me an O...V...E...R...R...A...T...E...D"

I hate to use excuses (not entirely true) but I have been without Internet access for the past week. AKA my neighbor turned off her wireless Internet, so I’ve been unable to steal her connection. She’s so damn inconsiderate. To all you die-hard loyal readers out there, if you think you’ve had it rough without updated sports satire to read, just imagine my distress…no internet connection means… no YouPorn! Yeah, it’s been like living in the dark ages of pornography the past few days. Scinemax and old dusty VHS tapes from the 80’s. Well, enough of this masturbatory jibber jabber…let’s get down to sports businass.

Grab your hankies and kleenex people…the college football season finale is tomorrow night. It truely will be sad to wake up on Saturday morningsafternoons and not see the College Gameday crew. There’s something about watching Lee Corso throw on a macsot’s headgear that helps induce my hangover regurgitation. I will, however, miss the linguistic stylings of guest analysts like Bobby Knight …and the ingenius signsthat fans wave behind Herbstreit’s head.

Here’s a little list the APR staff has constructed of other things not to miss about the 2008 College Football season:

6.) Tim Tebow’s cricumcizing Spring Break. (can’t that asshole just go to Panama City Beach and get arrested for drunken aggravated assault like the rest of us!)

5.) Dr. Lou and his facade of a degree in “Football Philosophy.” (With that speech impediment, I pray he gets on the bad side of a teleprompter operator and is forced to read: “Six strong safeties sacked seven serendipitous sophomores….Leth Go!”)

4.) The entire state of Washington. ( Statistically, Washington State and the University of Washington were two of the worst teams in college football history. The Huskies managed a Detroit Lions-esque undefeated season, the first in Pac-10 history and the only team in college football to finish without any wins or dignity.  The suckfest that was the Cougars season on the other hand, started with a 63 point loss to Cal and continued on a downward spiral when they lost to USC in a nail-biter, 69-0. After loosingtheir first and second-string quarterbacks, athletic officials started a campus-wide search for a new QB. Hoping for their own version of  Shane Falco, the Cougars unfortunately wound up winning only two games…one of which was a one-point-blowout to non other than…Washington. )

3.) The Orange Bowl. (Which is not even played in the “Orange Bowl” anymore. This year we were forced to watch another “no one really gives a shit game” as Cincinnati took on Virginia Tech. But of course we watched it. Like making yourself watch 2 Girls 1 Cup, you know it is going to be grotesque, but you’re still kind of interested to see what happens in the end. At least with the 2 girls video you got to see boobies. )

2.) The Big Ten Conference. (After going a remarkable 1-6 in their bowl games, Big Ten conference officials should look back on this season and say “Thank fu$#ing God that is over!” If there was a stench near the end of the college football season, it was the collective shittiness of the Big Ten programs. I thought the only bright light in the Big Ten’s tunnel of hopelessness was Penn State….that was, however, until they put their national championship hopes on the foot of Iowa’s kicker. Wisconsin, overrated as always, started the year off ranked at #8. After Florida State dismantled the Badgers in the Champs Sports Bowl,42-13, the Big Ten continued their sucktitude. Ohio State lost a third straight BCS game. But hey, at least this time it wasn’t for the national title! Michigan had another phenomenally subpar season with only three wins. Good to see that $8 mill is being spent wisely on Rich Rod. Michigan State had a decent run in ’08 with an outstanding runningback, however, they couldn’t keep up with Georgia’s even more outstanding running back in the Capital One Bowl.)

1.) You decide.

Write in and let the APR staff know what you will NOT miss about the 2008 College Football season.  Glad you won’t have to see another peice on ESPN about how much better of a man Tim Tebow is than you? Write a comment. If you’re a Big East fan, are you excited that your piss poor conference can now outshine on the basketball court, instead of getting manhandled in football at Dolphin Stadium? Write a comment. Let your voice be heard! The best comment will receive an Ohio State Fiesta Bowl Runners Up t-shirt.





2 responses

7 01 2009

I will not miss having to watch Oklahoma lose to Texas and then play ahead of them in the big game! Here is to a new year… watch out this fall…Texas is going to the National Title Game! thank you Colt for not leaving prematurely

7 01 2009

ps… i love the overrated caption about “the” ohio state university, we played like shit and still pulled it off!

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