The $100 Million Face Stomper

27 02 2009

Look at that sportsmanship! Now that’s a guy who does not deserve to struggle in this deflated economy.

Before I tell you this little heartwarming wrenching tale, I must caution you to make sure there are no babies, kittens, puppies, Rihannas or anything fragile, adorable and easily prone to bruises around. Just trust me on this one.

Albert “The Face Stomper” Haynesworth just signed a contract with the Washington Redskins worth $100 million. That’s right, the overweight shitstain who thinks opposing players look better with metal cleets on their face, just guaranteed himself $32 million over the next 13 months.

Go ahead, soak that knowledge in. While you’re sitting at your small desk working on TPS reports, making $32,000 a year and NOT stomping on people’s faces…think about this obnoxiously wealthy asswhipe.

The seven-year deal came early this morning after at least six teams had offered “The Stomper” $30 million in guarantees. This all happened while most of us less-paid and less-likely to stomp on co-worker’s faces were sleeping, dreaming of that three percent cost of living raise we are praying to receive.

Redskins owner and asshole afficionado, George Steinbrenner Dan Snyder, beat out lucrative offers from teams like the Tampa Bay Bucs and Haynesworth’s previous team, the Tennessee Titans. The seven-year deal will guarantee the fat fucking face-stomper $41 million, and could max out at nearly $115 million based on his future face-stomping abilities.

As a current DC resident, I must say a big “F you” to Dan Snyder. I have to roam these streets at night worrying about guns, knives and gang members. Now, thanks to Danny’s thick wallet, I have to look over my shoulder for a fat fucking face-stomper too! Thanks Dan, maybe if you signed more people like Warrick Dunn, a man who builds houses for families in need, your team wouldn’t be such a complete pile of face-stomping horse shit.

*More news from the asshole front, Dan Snyder has just one-upped himself by also signing dickhead extraordinaire DeAngelo Hall. The Redskins agreed on a six-year, $54 million deal, that will guarantee the Redskins another 9-7 season. Congratulations Redskin Nation, your owner just spent over $150 million on making sure your team stays…average. Yay for asshole players and a 90,000-seat stadium that’s in the middle of fucking nowhere!!!!!



Sage Is Terrible As A Quarterback, Delicious As A Marinade

26 02 2009

Sage is delicious on chicken...terrible on offense.

At what point does a successful desperate NFL franchise decide Sage Rosenfels is their missing piece at quarterback? The GM goes through the list of available QBs and probably says something along the lines of “Ah fuck it, he can’t be any worse than Gus Frerotte”.

Congratulations Vikings fans, your GM just signed Gus Frerotte Jr., aka Sage (not the marinade) Rosenfels to be your new, not so improved starting quarterback. If anyone in the state of Minnesota got excited about this recent signing…kill yourself now.

As a person who actually watches NFL football games, unlike anyone on the Vikings personnel, I have seen what Sir Rosenfels does with a football in his hands…and that usually does not include crossing the goal line.

Listen up you purple cladded Minnestoaites — I could have picked a better quarterback prospect for your team…and my only general managing experience has involved two 5-8 fantasy football teams. Here’s my plan for your piss-poor franchise… if you work for the Viking’s front office, grab a pen and paper and write this shit down.

Take a list of all the available quarterbacks in the NFL, place that list on a dart board. Blindfold yourself, take four shots of tequila then spin around 10 times. While spinning and possibly vomiting, begin throwing darts. Don’t even aim or pretend like you know where the darts are going, just throw those pointy fuckers as hard as you can. Sure, a few might end up stuck in the arm or back of your fellow Viking’s  staff, but workman’s comp will take care of all that noise. After all that retardery, take off your blindfold and look at the list of available quarterbacks on the dart board. If your dart had the misfortune of landing on “Sage Rosenfels”, then…and ONLY then should you consider signing that no-talent-ass-clown. Because at that point, at least you would have an excuse as to why you just buried your franchise even further into the ground.

Reporter: “Why the hell did you guys sign Sage Rosenfels? What, did you blindfold yourself, get drunk and start throwing darts at a list of names?”

Vikings Personnel: “Exactly.”

Reporter: “Oh…well that explains it then.”



Bong Bong Bong, Steroids Steroids Steroids… & Brett Favre

13 02 2009
Phelps and A-Rod cross swords while Favre retires/cries again

For those of you who have trouble reading, i.e. most of you who check this site…then you’re in luck! I don’t feel like spending more than a few sentences on the only three stories going on in the world of sports. You know which ones I’m talking about, don’t play dumb with me! If you’ve turned on ESPN, CNN, PBS or Christ, even C-SPAN, you have seen one or all of the only three things worth talking about in sports. Since I’m not one to ram the same things down your throat as every other sports medium (Must. Not. Make. Sexual. Innuendo!) I refuse to waste anymore of your time on these redamndiculous stories. So, here are a few more words to sum up these non-important events of the past few days:

Michael Phelps smokes a bong: You try eating 10,000 calories a day without being baked out of your mind!
A-Rod took steroids from 2001 – 2003: $252 million is a lot of G.D. money!!! Besides….living in Texas will make you do some weird shit.
Brett Favre retiring: …………………………………..(this is how much I care or believe he actually will retire this time.)

The Poor Man’s Guide To Going To The Super Bowl

5 02 2009

Super Bowl XLIII Football

If you’re anything like me, you’re intelligent, charming and devastatingly handsome. Besides being an awesome human being and most women’s fantasy, however, this also means…you’re kind of poor. You work too hard and get paid too little. (Well, maybe not so much the first part.) Half of your paycheck goes towards rent, hookers, alimony or all three.  The other half, your “spending money”, is used on booze, food and probably more hookers. What I’m getting at here, is people like you and I need alternative ways to get into expensive ass sporting events like the Super Bowl. Because if I’m spending $2000 to see a football game, I better be sitting in a box. And by “box” I don’t mean a section of a stadium…I mean an actual vagina.

With the economy in the crapper and my favorite team in the Super Bowl, here is how I made my trip to the Super Bowl a long lasting and economical weekend.

Try these tips for next year’s Super Bowl in Miami:

Step One: Book your flight immediately after your team’s conference championship game. Not only will you know for sure that you’re team will be playing in the big game, but you’ll be so hammered up by this point that you’ll completely forget you have no place to stay and no ticket to the game.

Step Two: Start calling friends who are fans of the same team, or ones who are as shitfaced as you. Convince them to book a flight by simply saying “South Beach in February.” If that doesn’t sell them on the idea of making an unscheduled trip to South Florida in the winter, then nothing will.

Step Three: Find a place to stay. This sounds easy, but hotels will be too expensive on your budget so you’ll be forced to find a friend who lives in or around the area. You’re friend will most likely be dealing with a barrage of phone calls from random people asking to stay at their place as well. My advice, don’t worry about whether or not you’ll have a bed, just be glad you’ll have a roof over your head and a floor to pass out on.

Step Four: Stop worrying about finding a “cheap” ticket, they simply do not exist. Even the assholes selling tickets at face value want $800 – $1500. Do you know what you can do with that kind of money? You can pay rent, pay off your debt, make it rain like Pacman Jones at one of Miami’s many gentleman’s clubs…or just save that shit. Trust me, you’ll wake up Monday morning with a blistering hangover, but at least you’ll smile a little easier when you realize there is still $1000 in your checking account!

Step Five: Grab a flask, some cash, your walking shoes and possibly a 10 piece McNugget to go. With the nonstop bingefest you’ll most likely forget to eat, so grab some nuggets to coat your stomach. Renting a car is too expensive and cabs are few and far between. 

-Also, try to remember that cop cars look an awful lot like cabs. Do your best to not bang on what you think is a cab’s window, screaming “Give me a fucking ride asswhipe!!” Only to realize it’s a Miami Metro PD Officer throwing you to the ground by your throat.

Step Six: Game day. Walk down to the stadium early and scope out the scalping situation with caution. There are plenty of shitstains trying to scam innocent drunk fans such as yourself. So try not to get pissed when you find out that bum in the old school Dan Marino jersey just sold you a fake ticket for $1000. (Come to think of it, I should move this up to Step One: Never buy a Super Bowl ticket from a guy in a Dan Marino jersey!)

Step Seven: This is about the time you’ll realize that spending $1000 or more on a ticket is a complete waste of money. Grab your shit, beeline to the nearest bar around the stadium and set up shop with your fellow fans. You’ll have a waitress or bartender bringing you beer instead of waiting in a long ass line in the stadium. Also, bars do not stop serving alcohol after the third quarter like NFL stadiums, so feel free to continue your Super Bowl binge long after the fourth quarterhas started. After your team has won, file out into the streets with the rest of the obnoxious fans. Grab a bottle of champagne from someone, spray it on passers by and pretend you are actually part of the team. As people come pouring out of the stadium, you’ll smile when you realize you’re just as drunk (if not more) just as excited about the win and just as overwhelmed by the atmosphere. The only difference is, you’ll wake up in the morning with $1000 still in your wallet. That is unless you spent it all on celebratory strippers and Moet. Either way, you still come out on top.

Anything you’d like to add to the Poor Man’s Guide? Put it in the comments section.