The $100 Million Face Stomper

27 02 2009

Look at that sportsmanship! Now that’s a guy who does not deserve to struggle in this deflated economy.

Before I tell you this little heartwarming wrenching tale, I must caution you to make sure there are no babies, kittens, puppies, Rihannas or anything fragile, adorable and easily prone to bruises around. Just trust me on this one.

Albert “The Face Stomper” Haynesworth just signed a contract with the Washington Redskins worth $100 million. That’s right, the overweight shitstain who thinks opposing players look better with metal cleets on their face, just guaranteed himself $32 million over the next 13 months.

Go ahead, soak that knowledge in. While you’re sitting at your small desk working on TPS reports, making $32,000 a year and NOT stomping on people’s faces…think about this obnoxiously wealthy asswhipe.

The seven-year deal came early this morning after at least six teams had offered “The Stomper” $30 million in guarantees. This all happened while most of us less-paid and less-likely to stomp on co-worker’s faces were sleeping, dreaming of that three percent cost of living raise we are praying to receive.

Redskins owner and asshole afficionado, George Steinbrenner Dan Snyder, beat out lucrative offers from teams like the Tampa Bay Bucs and Haynesworth’s previous team, the Tennessee Titans. The seven-year deal will guarantee the fat fucking face-stomper $41 million, and could max out at nearly $115 million based on his future face-stomping abilities.

As a current DC resident, I must say a big “F you” to Dan Snyder. I have to roam these streets at night worrying about guns, knives and gang members. Now, thanks to Danny’s thick wallet, I have to look over my shoulder for a fat fucking face-stomper too! Thanks Dan, maybe if you signed more people like Warrick Dunn, a man who builds houses for families in need, your team wouldn’t be such a complete pile of face-stomping horse shit.

*More news from the asshole front, Dan Snyder has just one-upped himself by also signing dickhead extraordinaire DeAngelo Hall. The Redskins agreed on a six-year, $54 million deal, that will guarantee the Redskins another 9-7 season. Congratulations Redskin Nation, your owner just spent over $150 million on making sure your team stays…average. Yay for asshole players and a 90,000-seat stadium that’s in the middle of fucking nowhere!!!!!

edunn

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3 responses

27 02 2009
Alex

Awesome. Glad the Bucs passed on that “face fucking foot stomper”…

28 02 2009
Species

i think this is my favorite one yet eric… however, Albert may be an avid reader and you might want to be extra careful…

2 03 2009
Lauren

Yet another reason why I don’t watch football. How tall’s this guy… 6’6″? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high.

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