The Office Pool Douche

20 03 2009

bracketdouche1 “Rutguhs all the way bro!!!!!”

The matchups are set, brackets are filled out and sick days are ready to be used for this Thursday and Friday. That’s right sports fans and part-time gamblers, it’s time to pick your one or two upsets that will inevitably get blown out in the first round, throw down $20 and watch as Duke bows out in the second round…again. It’s NCAA Tourney Time!

As a March Madness fan myself and defending champion of two NCAA pools last year, I can not help but feel giddy around this time of year. Since Selection Sunday I have filled out, ripped up and re-filled out six brackets (you can never be too careful). There’s something about looking at that blank bracket with a pen in hand, waiting to make your picks. It’s like that moment before the lotto numbers are called and you’re sitting in front of the TV, figuring out all the crazy shit you’re going to buy with all the money (hookers, a Ferrari and all the Natty Ice you can drink!). Then they call the numbers, however, and you realize you’re still the loser your girlfriend keeps making fun of because you put too much time and effort into watching a G.D. basketball tournament! Oh well, what does she know anyway! She picked Morehead State to go to the Final Four because she thinks it’s fun to say “Morehead.” Moving on.

If  you’re anything like me (devilishly handsome and a genius at filling out NCAA brackets) then you are involved in one, two or maybe five tournament pools. Be it with friends, coworkers, ex-coworkers or even ex-friends, you’ve pretty much whored youself out to every pool you possibly could. Some are free and others require a small (maybe large) fee. The small pools are the testers, the ones where you pick Binghampton over Duke in the first round because…fuck it, there’s no money involved. The pools that involve money, however, they can bring the best, the worst or even the douche out of coworkers and friends. Every paid-for pool will inevitably involve some form of douche-baggery. Over the next three weeks, keep your eyes, ears and blogs open for these tell-tale signs of office pool douchiness.

The Duke Douche: This guy/gal is a mainstay in every tournament pool. They’ll come to work with their faded Elton Brand/Chris Duhon or JJ Reddick  jersey over a button down shirt. They’ll spat off facts about the late 90’s teams and tell you how many tattoos  Cherokee Parks hasthese days. They’ll constanty talk shit about UNC, how the Tar Heels are overrated and how Tyler Hansbrough will be the NBA’s next Mark Madson. The best part about this douchetastic cheering “fan” is not only did they NOT get into Duke University…but the closest they ever came to Durham, NC is the one time they got hammered at a Duke Lacrosse party.

The Bracketologist: He knows the stats, the records and the cities of birth for every g.d. player on Morehead State. He can tell you how many points DeJaun Blair scored as a Sophomore at Schneley High School in Pittsburgh. This kid knows his shit thanks to “the experts” on and…he pretty much lives and dies by the “expert analysis” of Joe “I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing” Lunardi. The douche within will come out when he somehow picks an unexpected Sweet Sixteen team, then texts everyone in the league how “I told you Cleveland State was fo real biatch!!” He will inevitably lose by picking UCONN to win it all because Jim Calhoun never loses a game after 6:00pm on a Monday.

The Chalk-Picking Douche: Screw upsets! Teams like  George Mason, Valparaiso and Gonzaga mean jack shit to this non-fairy tale believing douche. This top-seed picking asshat simply runs through the bracket picking the top seed for each draw. They’ll be at the top of the office pool when all number one seeds make the final four, while the “Bracketologist” is wondering what the hell happened to his ingenious pick of #4 Wake Forest over #1 Louisville! This douche refuses to believe in underdogs and most likely has a Derek Jeter jersey-shirt hanging in their closet, ready for next October.  Pay attention to this chalk-picking douche, he’ll probably end up with your money at the end of the tournament.

The Homer Douche:Actually, this person is not so much a douche, but more so a guy who doesn’t mind losing a quick $20. They  simply love their favorite team/Alma Mater so much,  they feel obliged to put them in the Final Four every year. They’ll walk around the office on the first day of the tourney, wearing a Maryland shirt and hoping this will be the year they bounce back into the championship game. Unfortunately for this homer, the Terps will barely make it through the first round and their $20 will soon be in the wallet of the number-one-seed-picking asswhipe.


 Got another “douche” idea? Submit in through the comments section. What other sorts of Office Pool Douchbaggery have you seen at your place of business?



Dwyane Wade Is Bueno At Basketball

12 03 2009

“This es mi casa!!!!!”

In case you missed D-Wade and the El Heat’s buzzer-beater the other night, scope out the video above. After scoring 48 points and already hitting the game-tying shot that sent the game into a second overtime, Flash somehow one-upped himself with a last second three to clinch the game. Here’s what you had to love about this game:

1.) The new “Hispanic Friendly” uniforms. Thanks to that “C” in 9th grade Spanish, most of us monolinguals were able to translate the new latino-infused unis. The concept for the Hispanic uniforms is part of the NBA’s “Noche Latina”. Since most of you have trouble even speaking English well, I will use my one year of Spanish skills to translate… (here’s where I quickly type “Noche Latina” into my iPhone translator)…”Latina Night!” The NBA and the Miami Heat have implemented more Latin flavor into the sport because of the influx of more Spanish speaking players and fans. AKA, the Heat play in Miami, an 85% Hispanic speaking city. If they want fans people who would rather be watching futbol to attend a few home games, the marketing department knew at the very least, they had to make their uniforms legible in Spanish. To be honest though, I’m highly disappointed in the marketing department for simply adding “El”  to the unis. If you’re going to draw a bigger Hispanic crowd, really change that shit for the Hispanic fans! If D-Wade would have played that game in a button down shirt, with only the top button fastened and  a pair of Dickies down around his ass…Hispanic fans would have been dancing to Salsa and screaming “Ariba Ariba”  in the stands!

2.) Dwyane Wade is finally getting cocky! He’s without a doubt one of the top three players in the league, it’s about damn time he step-up his self-righteousness as well. Seriously, Kobe raped a chick in Colorado and still won the MVP award! LeBron has “Chosen One” tattooed on his back and sprays spectators with talcum powder before games.

Wade came into the league as a good player with a great reputation. He married his high school sweetheart and had a child in college. Now that Flash has won a NBA Championship and a Gold Medal…he’s  starting to let the stardum from basketball and the T-Mobile Fave Five commercials go to his head. And you know what…thank god! If there were no Kobe or LeBron, Wade would undoubetebly be the best player on the planet. He has the quickness of Chris Paul, the fade away of Jordan and the ability to make plays like LeBron. So I say, wear those retarded looking Nelly-aids Mr. Wade! Enjoy your wild sex partieswith whomever you want…even if they don’t include your wife.  Just make sure you wrap that shit up…I don’t want to hear a Magic Johnson-esque retirement speech from you in the next few years.