As College Football Season Comes To A Close, Big Ten Fans Let Out Collective “Thank Fu#*ing God!”

6 01 2009

"Give me an O...V...E...R...R...A...T...E...D"

I hate to use excuses (not entirely true) but I have been without Internet access for the past week. AKA my neighbor turned off her wireless Internet, so I’ve been unable to steal her connection. She’s so damn inconsiderate. To all you die-hard loyal readers out there, if you think you’ve had it rough without updated sports satire to read, just imagine my distress…no internet connection means… no YouPorn! Yeah, it’s been like living in the dark ages of pornography the past few days. Scinemax and old dusty VHS tapes from the 80’s. Well, enough of this masturbatory jibber jabber…let’s get down to sports businass.

Grab your hankies and kleenex people…the college football season finale is tomorrow night. It truely will be sad to wake up on Saturday morningsafternoons and not see the College Gameday crew. There’s something about watching Lee Corso throw on a macsot’s headgear that helps induce my hangover regurgitation. I will, however, miss the linguistic stylings of guest analysts like Bobby Knight …and the ingenius signsthat fans wave behind Herbstreit’s head.

Here’s a little list the APR staff has constructed of other things not to miss about the 2008 College Football season:

6.) Tim Tebow’s cricumcizing Spring Break. (can’t that asshole just go to Panama City Beach and get arrested for drunken aggravated assault like the rest of us!)

5.) Dr. Lou and his facade of a degree in “Football Philosophy.” (With that speech impediment, I pray he gets on the bad side of a teleprompter operator and is forced to read: “Six strong safeties sacked seven serendipitous sophomores….Leth Go!”)

4.) The entire state of Washington. ( Statistically, Washington State and the University of Washington were two of the worst teams in college football history. The Huskies managed a Detroit Lions-esque undefeated season, the first in Pac-10 history and the only team in college football to finish without any wins or dignity.  The suckfest that was the Cougars season on the other hand, started with a 63 point loss to Cal and continued on a downward spiral when they lost to USC in a nail-biter, 69-0. After loosingtheir first and second-string quarterbacks, athletic officials started a campus-wide search for a new QB. Hoping for their own version of  Shane Falco, the Cougars unfortunately wound up winning only two games…one of which was a one-point-blowout to non other than…Washington. )

3.) The Orange Bowl. (Which is not even played in the “Orange Bowl” anymore. This year we were forced to watch another “no one really gives a shit game” as Cincinnati took on Virginia Tech. But of course we watched it. Like making yourself watch 2 Girls 1 Cup, you know it is going to be grotesque, but you’re still kind of interested to see what happens in the end. At least with the 2 girls video you got to see boobies. )

2.) The Big Ten Conference. (After going a remarkable 1-6 in their bowl games, Big Ten conference officials should look back on this season and say “Thank fu$#ing God that is over!” If there was a stench near the end of the college football season, it was the collective shittiness of the Big Ten programs. I thought the only bright light in the Big Ten’s tunnel of hopelessness was Penn State….that was, however, until they put their national championship hopes on the foot of Iowa’s kicker. Wisconsin, overrated as always, started the year off ranked at #8. After Florida State dismantled the Badgers in the Champs Sports Bowl,42-13, the Big Ten continued their sucktitude. Ohio State lost a third straight BCS game. But hey, at least this time it wasn’t for the national title! Michigan had another phenomenally subpar season with only three wins. Good to see that $8 mill is being spent wisely on Rich Rod. Michigan State had a decent run in ’08 with an outstanding runningback, however, they couldn’t keep up with Georgia’s even more outstanding running back in the Capital One Bowl.)

1.) You decide.

Write in and let the APR staff know what you will NOT miss about the 2008 College Football season.  Glad you won’t have to see another peice on ESPN about how much better of a man Tim Tebow is than you? Write a comment. If you’re a Big East fan, are you excited that your piss poor conference can now outshine on the basketball court, instead of getting manhandled in football at Dolphin Stadium? Write a comment. Let your voice be heard! The best comment will receive an Ohio State Fiesta Bowl Runners Up t-shirt.



Bowl Game / Holiday Binge Fest

26 12 2008

A good friend of mine who is not so anatomically inclined, once told a group of us before his bachelor party, “Prepare your kidneys bro!” Granted, the kid was about five Heinekens deep and forced to dress like this asshole:


Yeah, those are boobs inside the heart...and yes that pink shirt says "I love DD Cups." Genius.

 Needless to say, his kidneys were not harmed during the shitshow that was his DC bachelor party. His liver and dignity, however, well…those are both fucked!

The reason I bring up this complete nonsense is because it’s bowl season / the holidays. Which, simply put… means it is time to “prepare your kidneys!” for an all out Christma-Hanu-Kwanzika binge fest. Honestly, how else are you supposed to get through quality time with the extended family / the Meineke Car Care Bowl…without throwing back a fifth of Jack? Just try not to blackout on your grandma’s plastic-lined couch this year…it’s a bitch peeling yourself off that hot plastic after a four-hour drunken nap.

Sorry to leave you holding your breath, but check back later for a rundown of what to expect from the best and worst bowl games of 2008/2009. Until then…go to the gym you lazy bastards!

Archie Griffin Thankful To Still Be The Answer To A Popular Trivia Question

15 12 2008

"Who's the only player to win the Heisman Trophy twice? A.)Tim Tebow B.) Archie Griffin C.)No one gives a shit"

In case you were on a blackout drinking binge this weekend and completely missed the excitement that was The 2008 Heisman Presentation, the awkward guy from Oklahoma won.

Sam Bradford, OU QB and rambling speech giver extraordinaire, took home the large bronze statue Saturday night. So pretty much the guy who everyone picked to win…won that shit by a decent margin. Exciting I know.

Of course, the whore that is EPSN had to draw that shit out like an American Idol  finale. Chris Fowler was one “we’ll find out who the winner is…right after this commercial” shy of being the next Ryan Seacrest of sports entertainment. The first 55 minutes of the hour long show were so stretched out and boring, my DVR asked “are you sure you want to record this shit?” Unfortunately for my viewing non-pleasure…I checked yes.

In the end, Sam Bradford won the electoral college of sports writers and became the second Sophomore (Tebow was the first) to ever win the coveted bronze statue.

Besides watching a young man achieve his dream and win the most prestigious award in… yada yada yada, there were two more exciting moments of the night. The first came when a dozen or so previous Heisman winners lined the stage for an introduction. While Chris Fowler called out the list of names, sports enthusiasts everywhere saw two players who have not been spotted in years. Some claim they are a myth, an urban football legend if you will…one that you only heard about at late-night campfires. No one really knew if these people really existed…that is until Chris Fowler uttered their names for the first time in over five years. “2001 Heisman Trophy Winner Eric Crouch and 2003 Heisman Trophy Winner Jason White.” Viewers everywhere let out a collective “Holy shit…those guys are still alive!”

Nothing says “look what the Heisman Trophy can do for your career” than the success of Jason White and Eric Crouch. They are like the popular guys from high school who had all the chicks, the looks and the athletic talent…then you see them at the five year reunion and they’re 25 pounds overweight, balding and running a local lawn maintenance company called “Heisman Hedge Trimming.” If the Heisman Trophy winners consider themselves to be a fraternity, then Jason White and Eric Crouch are the douchey upperclassmen who still get hazed. They probably get 2:00am phone calls from Tony Dorsett and Archie Griffin, yelling at them to “bring over two cases of Natty Light and 17 bean burritos from Taco Bell… or it’s your ass pledge!”

The second most entertaining event from Saturday’s yawnfest… was the look on Archie Griffin’s face when Tim Tebow was NOT announced as the winner. He had that Eric Dickerson “thank god Jamal Lewis didn’t break my fucking record” look. Or the Mercury Morris “Perfectville: population one” look of relief . Because let’s be honest, no one outside of Columbus would give a shit about Archie Griffin if he had not won that second Heisman. He would just be another Johnny Rodgers or Billy Sims. “Who the hell are they” you say?….. Exactly. If some all-American quarterback who spends his Spring Break in the Philippines performing medical procedures would have joined Griffin as a two-time winner…people would have soon forgotten about the once great Buckeye half-back.

So, congrats to you Archie…you have at least one more year of being the answer to a cliche bar trivia question.



Big 10 Conference Excited Ohio State Can’t Lose Another National Title This Year

5 12 2008

osuStop whining sports fans, if you’re sad because your team is not playing for a shot at the national title, here’s a little something that might cheer you up…at least we won’t have to see a BIG 10 team in the BCS title game. Yay for shitty conferences! (That means you too ACC.)

Since Jim Tressel and the whiny sweatervest crew of OSU will be watching the BCS title game at home this year, we may actually have the chance to watch a good, balanced national title for once!

Since we won’t have to put up with annoying Suckeys fans in next month’s national title game…who will we be strangling with aggravation come January 8, 2009? The answer will come tomorrow when a pair of conference title games will determine this year’s BCS contenders.

For those of you who have plans with your girlfreind or wife tomorrow…make sure you get your sports fanatical ass down in front of a TV around 4:00pm…and then again at 8:00pm. Tell your lady friend the farmer’s market will have to wait and she’ll have to find someone else to see the Nutcracker with tomorrow night. If she doesn’t freak out and tell you “football is ruining our relationship” then saddle up and get ready for the next best thing to a college football playoff.

The first game of the proverbial semifinals comes your way via the SEC felating network of CBS. Here’s what to expect when the #4 Gators take on the #1 Crimson Wave Tide of Alabama:

#4 FLORIDA over #1 Alabama: As much as it pains and sickens me to pick a team I like about as much as Nickelback, the truth is….the Gators are simply dominating. Their offense explodes quicker than your premature ejaculation. Even if Percy Harvin is out for all or most of the game, Tebow can either do most the work himself, or hand it off to the only two people in the SEC faster than Percy Harvin…Rainey and Demps. Alabama’s offense on the other hand, is only as good as their defense. If their highly ranked D can keep Florida off the field, John Parker Wilson might be able to keep things close. Here’s a not-so-fun fact about these two offensive teams: Alabama nearly lost to Kentucky by only putting up 17 points…Florida’s obnoxiously fast offense on the other hand, well…they put up a mere 65 against the Wildcats. F UF!

Either way, one of these teams will be playing in Miami next month. Hopefully I’ll be wrong and it will be Bama. Otherwise it willjust be more nightmares of Timmy Tebow. I keep having one where he tries to force a second circumcision on me. I usually wake up in a pool of sweat, grabbing my crotch and screaming “You’re not on a mission, put that godamn knife down Timmy!”

#2 OKLAHOMA over #20 Missouri: Does anyone who is not a Texas or Missouri fan honestly think this game has a chance of going the other way? Did you see the Kansas game last week? Mizzou’s defense looked like Two Girls One Cup…they kept getting shit on and we were forced to keep watching.

If Sam Bradford has a big game tomorrow (inevitable against Mizzou’s defense) look for him to jump Colt McCoy as the Heisman fruntrunner. That would be a nice smack in the face to UT fans after they’ve already been kicked in the balls for not making the Big 12 Championship game. Look at it this way Texas…it’s not like you guys beat OU head to head on a neutral field? If you had done that, maybe you would have a shot at the national titl….wait, my bust…UT beat Oklahoma in Dallas earlier this year. Oh, well you guys are pretty much fucked then.


Trojans Go Limp Against Beavers…Again

26 09 2008
Trojan-Enz their perfect season

Thursday night Pac-10 football! (Must. Control. Excitement!) While most of us were watching the season premier of The Office, a little game was being played over on ESPN. USC travelled up to that little town in Oregon where Trojans go to die, when they faced up against Oregon State last night in Corvallis. USC went into last night’s game ranked number one in the country. Oregon State on the other hand, went into last night’s game as the number one team most likely to get their asses handed to them by a BIG 10 team.

In between watching Michael Scott in a fat suit and Dwight blasting Angela out in the warehouse, I occasionally flipped back to the shitshow that was USC vs. OSU. I tuned in just in time to see Erin Andrews reporting at the half. I’d like to show her “Beaver” my “Trojan” if you know what I mean (wink, wink.) Get it, I’m talking about intercourse.
Moving on, The Trojans’ number one ranked defense somehow shit the bed in the first half, allowing the Beavers to put up 21 points to their zero. The biggest, fastest D in the nation could not stop the smallest, youngest running back. A 5’7” freshman ran all over USC’s D like a pre-drepresed Vince Young. 
The Trojans started off the second half with two possessions and two TDs (where the hell was that the first half!?) In the fourth quarter, the Beavers had an opportunity to make it a two possession game, but a back-up kicker’s line drive was met by a USC lineman’s hand. 
Just when the Song Girls thought they had something to cheer about, the Beavers’ D stepped up and gave Mark a dirty Sanchez by intercepting his pass and running it back to the 2-yard-line. The freshman Beaver then added onto his 187-yard total by punching it in for the cous de gras.
USC came back for one last drive led by  QB John David Booty Mark Sanchez. Meanwhile on the sideline, Erin Andrews was seeking refuge from the 30,000 drunk, horny college students who had jumped onto the field. Sanchez was able to lob one in for 6, but it was too little too late for the Trojans.
Can’t say I feel too sorry for Sanchez and his fourth quarter interception. Take the feeling of that loss and combine it with the fact that he is single, lives in LA and is the starting quarterback for USC. Who cares about the OSU Beavers when you’ve got plenty of LA beaver chasing you around campus.
Oregon State – 27
Southern Cal – 21