Dwyane Wade Is Bueno At Basketball

12 03 2009

“This es mi casa!!!!!”

In case you missed D-Wade and the El Heat’s buzzer-beater the other night, scope out the video above. After scoring 48 points and already hitting the game-tying shot that sent the game into a second overtime, Flash somehow one-upped himself with a last second three to clinch the game. Here’s what you had to love about this game:

1.) The new “Hispanic Friendly” uniforms. Thanks to that “C” in 9th grade Spanish, most of us monolinguals were able to translate the new latino-infused unis. The concept for the Hispanic uniforms is part of the NBA’s “Noche Latina”. Since most of you have trouble even speaking English well, I will use my one year of Spanish skills to translate… (here’s where I quickly type “Noche Latina” into my iPhone translator)…”Latina Night!” The NBA and the Miami Heat have implemented more Latin flavor into the sport because of the influx of more Spanish speaking players and fans. AKA, the Heat play in Miami, an 85% Hispanic speaking city. If they want fans people who would rather be watching futbol to attend a few home games, the marketing department knew at the very least, they had to make their uniforms legible in Spanish. To be honest though, I’m highly disappointed in the marketing department for simply adding “El”  to the unis. If you’re going to draw a bigger Hispanic crowd, really change that shit for the Hispanic fans! If D-Wade would have played that game in a button down shirt, with only the top button fastened and  a pair of Dickies down around his ass…Hispanic fans would have been dancing to Salsa and screaming “Ariba Ariba”  in the stands!

2.) Dwyane Wade is finally getting cocky! He’s without a doubt one of the top three players in the league, it’s about damn time he step-up his self-righteousness as well. Seriously, Kobe raped a chick in Colorado and still won the MVP award! LeBron has “Chosen One” tattooed on his back and sprays spectators with talcum powder before games.

Wade came into the league as a good player with a great reputation. He married his high school sweetheart and had a child in college. Now that Flash has won a NBA Championship and a Gold Medal…he’s  starting to let the stardum from basketball and the T-Mobile Fave Five commercials go to his head. And you know what…thank god! If there were no Kobe or LeBron, Wade would undoubetebly be the best player on the planet. He has the quickness of Chris Paul, the fade away of Jordan and the ability to make plays like LeBron. So I say, wear those retarded looking Nelly-aids Mr. Wade! Enjoy your wild sex partieswith whomever you want…even if they don’t include your wife.  Just make sure you wrap that shit up…I don’t want to hear a Magic Johnson-esque retirement speech from you in the next few years.



Rafer Alston Channels His Inner Skip 2 My Lou, Goes Street On Everybody’s Ass

13 11 2008

Before I get into this new article, let me start off by saying… I’m sorry. I know there were many of you (at least 2 or 3) who have been checking the site everyday, hoping, pining, praying for a new article. To those of you who have been balled up in front of your computer, sobbing and refreshing for the past six days…well, I say to you….SIMMA DOWN! I’m back dicknose.

So, remember when Rafer Alston was good at basketball? Yeah, me neither. Even his former alter, better ball-handling ego Skip 2 My Lou…couldn’t shoot or defend for shit. Dribbling off defender’s forheads and in between their legs is cool and makes for a funny highlight…but unfortunately for Skip, traveling is a violation in the NBA.

Last night, Skip 2 My Alston aka Rafer 2 My Lou, brought out his old street ballin’ skills against the Suns. And by “street ballin’ skills” I mean… “swinging fists of furry.” Alston went AND1 on everybody’s ass last night after Matt Barnes through a hard pick out on the key. The shove immediately flipped a switch in Alston. If you slow the video down, you can actually see the instant when Rafer Alston changes from Bruce Banner… into a street-ballin-Hulk. The video is too fuzzy to read his lips, but I’m guessing he said something along the lines of “Ahh heeeeell nah! You’re about to see every bit of street I’ve got left in me muthaaafucka!” ………Just a shot in the dark.