The $100 Million Face Stomper

27 02 2009

Look at that sportsmanship! Now that’s a guy who does not deserve to struggle in this deflated economy.

Before I tell you this little heartwarming wrenching tale, I must caution you to make sure there are no babies, kittens, puppies, Rihannas or anything fragile, adorable and easily prone to bruises around. Just trust me on this one.

Albert “The Face Stomper” Haynesworth just signed a contract with the Washington Redskins worth $100 million. That’s right, the overweight shitstain who thinks opposing players look better with metal cleets on their face, just guaranteed himself $32 million over the next 13 months.

Go ahead, soak that knowledge in. While you’re sitting at your small desk working on TPS reports, making $32,000 a year and NOT stomping on people’s faces…think about this obnoxiously wealthy asswhipe.

The seven-year deal came early this morning after at least six teams had offered “The Stomper” $30 million in guarantees. This all happened while most of us less-paid and less-likely to stomp on co-worker’s faces were sleeping, dreaming of that three percent cost of living raise we are praying to receive.

Redskins owner and asshole afficionado, George Steinbrenner Dan Snyder, beat out lucrative offers from teams like the Tampa Bay Bucs and Haynesworth’s previous team, the Tennessee Titans. The seven-year deal will guarantee the fat fucking face-stomper $41 million, and could max out at nearly $115 million based on his future face-stomping abilities.

As a current DC resident, I must say a big “F you” to Dan Snyder. I have to roam these streets at night worrying about guns, knives and gang members. Now, thanks to Danny’s thick wallet, I have to look over my shoulder for a fat fucking face-stomper too! Thanks Dan, maybe if you signed more people like Warrick Dunn, a man who builds houses for families in need, your team wouldn’t be such a complete pile of face-stomping horse shit.

*More news from the asshole front, Dan Snyder has just one-upped himself by also signing dickhead extraordinaire DeAngelo Hall. The Redskins agreed on a six-year, $54 million deal, that will guarantee the Redskins another 9-7 season. Congratulations Redskin Nation, your owner just spent over $150 million on making sure your team stays…average. Yay for asshole players and a 90,000-seat stadium that’s in the middle of fucking nowhere!!!!!



Sage Is Terrible As A Quarterback, Delicious As A Marinade

26 02 2009

Sage is delicious on chicken...terrible on offense.

At what point does a successful desperate NFL franchise decide Sage Rosenfels is their missing piece at quarterback? The GM goes through the list of available QBs and probably says something along the lines of “Ah fuck it, he can’t be any worse than Gus Frerotte”.

Congratulations Vikings fans, your GM just signed Gus Frerotte Jr., aka Sage (not the marinade) Rosenfels to be your new, not so improved starting quarterback. If anyone in the state of Minnesota got excited about this recent signing…kill yourself now.

As a person who actually watches NFL football games, unlike anyone on the Vikings personnel, I have seen what Sir Rosenfels does with a football in his hands…and that usually does not include crossing the goal line.

Listen up you purple cladded Minnestoaites — I could have picked a better quarterback prospect for your team…and my only general managing experience has involved two 5-8 fantasy football teams. Here’s my plan for your piss-poor franchise… if you work for the Viking’s front office, grab a pen and paper and write this shit down.

Take a list of all the available quarterbacks in the NFL, place that list on a dart board. Blindfold yourself, take four shots of tequila then spin around 10 times. While spinning and possibly vomiting, begin throwing darts. Don’t even aim or pretend like you know where the darts are going, just throw those pointy fuckers as hard as you can. Sure, a few might end up stuck in the arm or back of your fellow Viking’s  staff, but workman’s comp will take care of all that noise. After all that retardery, take off your blindfold and look at the list of available quarterbacks on the dart board. If your dart had the misfortune of landing on “Sage Rosenfels”, then…and ONLY then should you consider signing that no-talent-ass-clown. Because at that point, at least you would have an excuse as to why you just buried your franchise even further into the ground.

Reporter: “Why the hell did you guys sign Sage Rosenfels? What, did you blindfold yourself, get drunk and start throwing darts at a list of names?”

Vikings Personnel: “Exactly.”

Reporter: “Oh…well that explains it then.”



The Poor Man’s Guide To Going To The Super Bowl

5 02 2009

Super Bowl XLIII Football

If you’re anything like me, you’re intelligent, charming and devastatingly handsome. Besides being an awesome human being and most women’s fantasy, however, this also means…you’re kind of poor. You work too hard and get paid too little. (Well, maybe not so much the first part.) Half of your paycheck goes towards rent, hookers, alimony or all three.  The other half, your “spending money”, is used on booze, food and probably more hookers. What I’m getting at here, is people like you and I need alternative ways to get into expensive ass sporting events like the Super Bowl. Because if I’m spending $2000 to see a football game, I better be sitting in a box. And by “box” I don’t mean a section of a stadium…I mean an actual vagina.

With the economy in the crapper and my favorite team in the Super Bowl, here is how I made my trip to the Super Bowl a long lasting and economical weekend.

Try these tips for next year’s Super Bowl in Miami:

Step One: Book your flight immediately after your team’s conference championship game. Not only will you know for sure that you’re team will be playing in the big game, but you’ll be so hammered up by this point that you’ll completely forget you have no place to stay and no ticket to the game.

Step Two: Start calling friends who are fans of the same team, or ones who are as shitfaced as you. Convince them to book a flight by simply saying “South Beach in February.” If that doesn’t sell them on the idea of making an unscheduled trip to South Florida in the winter, then nothing will.

Step Three: Find a place to stay. This sounds easy, but hotels will be too expensive on your budget so you’ll be forced to find a friend who lives in or around the area. You’re friend will most likely be dealing with a barrage of phone calls from random people asking to stay at their place as well. My advice, don’t worry about whether or not you’ll have a bed, just be glad you’ll have a roof over your head and a floor to pass out on.

Step Four: Stop worrying about finding a “cheap” ticket, they simply do not exist. Even the assholes selling tickets at face value want $800 – $1500. Do you know what you can do with that kind of money? You can pay rent, pay off your debt, make it rain like Pacman Jones at one of Miami’s many gentleman’s clubs…or just save that shit. Trust me, you’ll wake up Monday morning with a blistering hangover, but at least you’ll smile a little easier when you realize there is still $1000 in your checking account!

Step Five: Grab a flask, some cash, your walking shoes and possibly a 10 piece McNugget to go. With the nonstop bingefest you’ll most likely forget to eat, so grab some nuggets to coat your stomach. Renting a car is too expensive and cabs are few and far between. 

-Also, try to remember that cop cars look an awful lot like cabs. Do your best to not bang on what you think is a cab’s window, screaming “Give me a fucking ride asswhipe!!” Only to realize it’s a Miami Metro PD Officer throwing you to the ground by your throat.

Step Six: Game day. Walk down to the stadium early and scope out the scalping situation with caution. There are plenty of shitstains trying to scam innocent drunk fans such as yourself. So try not to get pissed when you find out that bum in the old school Dan Marino jersey just sold you a fake ticket for $1000. (Come to think of it, I should move this up to Step One: Never buy a Super Bowl ticket from a guy in a Dan Marino jersey!)

Step Seven: This is about the time you’ll realize that spending $1000 or more on a ticket is a complete waste of money. Grab your shit, beeline to the nearest bar around the stadium and set up shop with your fellow fans. You’ll have a waitress or bartender bringing you beer instead of waiting in a long ass line in the stadium. Also, bars do not stop serving alcohol after the third quarter like NFL stadiums, so feel free to continue your Super Bowl binge long after the fourth quarterhas started. After your team has won, file out into the streets with the rest of the obnoxious fans. Grab a bottle of champagne from someone, spray it on passers by and pretend you are actually part of the team. As people come pouring out of the stadium, you’ll smile when you realize you’re just as drunk (if not more) just as excited about the win and just as overwhelmed by the atmosphere. The only difference is, you’ll wake up in the morning with $1000 still in your wallet. That is unless you spent it all on celebratory strippers and Moet. Either way, you still come out on top.

Anything you’d like to add to the Poor Man’s Guide? Put it in the comments section.


Plaxico Shot Himself In The Career, Thigh

3 12 2008

You would not have to turn on the TV, radio, internet or open a newspaper to realize that Plaxico Burress is a godamn idiot. If you did happen to sort through some form of communications medium in the past few days, however, you would have solidified that Plaxico is in fact…a complete and utter moron.

This past Friday night, Plaxico showed his true retarded colors to partygoers, hospital workers and law enforcement officials in Manhattan. Here’s what I like to call a “retard rundown” of Plaxico’s wild and idiotic Friday night:

-First, Plax goes to a nightclub in Manhattan wearing…get this…sweatpants! Who the hell goes to a club…in Manhattan no less…wearing fucking sweatpants? Aren’t there rules and dress codes for most nightclubs? I’m almost positive every nightclub worth its cover charge has a “no fucking sweatpants” rule.

-As if the wardrobe isn’t enough of a horrible decision, Plax also reveals to the club owners that he is carrying a gun. I’m not sure what kind of sweatpant and concealed weapon allowing nightclub this is…but I’m pretty damn sure I’m marking it off my list of “places I need to go in NYC.”

-After realizing that loose fitting sweatpants might have been a bad choice to holster a weapon, Plaxico decides to fumble around with his gun in the club. Because, you know…fumbling around with a gun is ALWAYS a genius idea. No one ever gets hurt while fumbling arou…BAM! Ah shit, Plaxico just shot himself in the thigh!

-At this point, Plaxico does in fact shoot himself in the thigh.

-Fellow teammate and accomplice, Antonio Pierce, plays the Al Cowlingsrole (minus the White Bronco) and hides the gun in his glove compartment, just before driving Plax to the hospital.

-Members of the Manhattan hospital where Burress is being treated decide to say “fuck the law” and not report the shooting to police (something that is required by law.)

After a streak of idiotic events and decisions, Burress finally realizes he is pretty much fucked. Because after the bullet went through his right thigh…it then moved on to penetrate and soon destroy his career.

One would think that after a person shoots himself, by accident…the most severe damage has been done. You figure oh shit, that guy has gone through enough having to deal with a gunshot wound and all. The truth, however, is the bullet has only grazed the surface on just how fucked Plaxico really is. After turning himself in Monday morning for the possession of an illegal firearm, Plax should forget about the pain in his leg…and worry more about the eventual pain he’s going to feel in his ass. Get it? I’m talking about anal rape. Ya know, cause he’s probably going to jail? Oh forget it, let’s just move on.

Word came down this morning that Plaxico will be suspended by the NFL for the rest of the season. He will also not be allowed to participate with the Giants in the playoffs. In reality though, that is the least of Plax’s worries at this point. If Mayor Bloomberg gets his way…Plaxico will be facing anywhere between 3 1/2 to 15 years in federal “pound-me-in-the-ass-prison.”

Okay, so famous people find their way out of criminal charges nearly everytime they are arrested. Look at people like Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton; they blew lines in front of cops and didn’t get arrested. Hell, they could have blown lines ON cops and they still wouldn’t have been arrested. This case, however, is too clear cut…too black and white for Plaxico not to be royally screwed. The charge he is facing, illegal weapons possession, is one that requires AT LEAST 3 1/2 years of prison time. That means a MINIMUM of nearly four years in jail. That is what any Joe Schmo on the streets of New York City would face if they “accidentally” shot themselves in a Manhattan nightclub.

How can you argue that he was not in possession of an illegal weapon? For Christ’s sake, he’s got a gaping bullet wound in his leg, hundreds of club rats and a hospital full of witnesses to refute any arguments. Unless he reaches a plea agreement (which will most likely be the case) Plaxico’s next date in court is not until March 31. Will he be suited up in a New York Giants’ number 17 uniform next year, or will he be wearing a New York Correction’s number 174256 uniform instead? Only time and 12 angry men will tell.

Side note, this might be the best damn article related to this whole Plaxico nonsense: “Eli Manning Accidentally Shoots Himself With A Water Gun At Chuck E. Cheese.” Seriously, if you don’t read Sportspickle…you need to get your shit together and start checking it every Wednesday. It is the balls and shaft of sports humor. (I guess that would make this site the taint.)


Kerry Collins Is Better At Football/Drinking Than Vince Young

22 10 2008

Keg Stand Kerry is looking like his old drunk self these days.

According to the ESPN Power Rankings (making jerk off motions) the Tennessee Titans are the best team in the NFL. Really ESPN? The fucking Titans? The ANALysts on NFL Live have established their best argument as “Well, they’re the only undefeated team left in the NFL.” Ooohh, well in that case….they must be the cat’s fuckin’ pajamas!

I don’t want to diminish the fact that the Titans have had a good start to the year, because they certainly deserve some praise. But let’s be honest with each other for a minute. There’s a simple reason for that success, and it’s enough to send Vince Young running for a razor-blade. Are you ready for this….Kerry Collins is a better quarterback than Vince Young. Booooyah!!! Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Keg Stand Kerry, as he was so popularly known in State College, PA, is the reason why the Titans have yet to drop a game. Believe me, I know it sounds weird, but Collins is the perfect quarterback for the Titans. Let’s take a look at their offense, shall we? Their receivers are a joke. I guarantee Justin Gage and Bo Scaife are still sitting on your fantasy league’s free agency wire. Their running backs on the other hand, are tearing up fantasy leagues and reality defenses. LenDale White and Chris Johnson could quite possibly be the best RB tandem in the NFL. Combined they share 13 touchdowns and over 900 all-purpose yards. There is one thing they don’t share though…and that’s food. Have you seen the cream puff that is LenDale White? When he ran for that  60+ yard touchdown last week, I guarantee he was breathing like James Gandolfini after walking up a flight of stairs.

Collins works so well in the Titans’ offense, because he’s not a selfish prick of a QB like Young. He doesn’t dance around in the pocket, see no one open and eventually run for a short gain. That would be the VYoung special. Most importantly, Collins is a seasoned, accurate passer, who doesn’t throw nearly as many errant passes as Young. Young might have a stronger arm, but that doesn’t mean shit when you’re throwing those hard passes into the arms of someone in a different colored jersey.

There is one other important factor as to why Kerry Collins should continue to start over the “injured” Vince Young. He’s been to this rodeo and has the t-shirt and scars to prove it. He took a pretty mediocre team with a solid defense to the Super Bowl in 2000. Collins was able to manage the Giants’ offense back then (minus the Super Bowl game) the same way he is managing the Titans now. By pretty much not fucking it up. His job is to hand off, dump off short screen passes or quick slants and sit back, relax and watch his team score.

 Sorry Vince Young, but if you get back on this waggon, the wheels are certain to fall off quickly. On the other hand, if Kerry Collins gets back on the waggon (of booze that is) the Titans are destined to lose in the Super Bowl.


One Roy Williams Just Isn’t Enough For Jerry Jones

15 10 2008

Roys will be Roys

Jerry Jones really likes players with the first name Roy and last name Williams. So much in fact that one of them was just not enough for the long time Cowboy’s owner. Dallas added to their list of Pro Bowlers named Roy Williams today by signing the Lions’ wide receiver before the deadline.

This is simply another sign that Jerry Jones gets who he wants, when he wants. And apparently that’s anyone with the surname Roy Williams. So watch your back Mr. University of North Carolina Athletic Director…..Jerry Jones has his eyes set on your basketball coach next!

Will Jerry Jones sign the third piece to the Roy Williams puzzle?

The Dallas Cowboys are now Roy Williams squared and Tony Romo-less. At least Roy Williams (the receiver) will feel right at home with Brad Johnson at the helms. With plenty of arrant passes and overthrown balls, Williams will forget it’s not Jon Kitna behind center.

Attention: All strippers in the greater Dallas area, please be advised. Adam aka “Pacman” aka “Make it Rain” Jones has been suspended for the next four games. Now that he has some idle time on his hands, It is inevitable he will be visiting your fine establishments soon (if not right at this moment.) If idle hands are the devil’s play toy… then Pacman’s idle hands are the devil’s huge dildo. (I don’t even care if that shit doesn’t make sense.)




Quinn Could Be The New Cleveland Steamer

9 10 2008

You put your left hand in, you put your left crotch out, you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about."

Derek Anderson might be able to pinch a loaf or drop the kids off at the pool, but he sure as hell can’t take the Browns to the Super Bowl. Anderson is what I’d like to call…. “victoriously constipated.”

There are plenty of analogies for the way the Browns have started off the 2008 season. Unfortunately for Anderson and Browns fans everywhere, most of those analogies have to do with defecation (that means “shitting” for you people from Cleveland.) Anderson has led the crappy Browns (double negative) to 1-3 record. He has bent over Brown’s fans and given each one a Cleveland Steamer .Kinda hard to tell with those dark brown replica jerseys though.

How do they fix their leaky ass of a quarterback? The one who can’t seem to stop dropping heat on his other players and fans? Enter the savior. Or should I say, the Pepto Bismol to Derek Anderson’s shitty arm. Get ready Brown’s fans, Brady Quinn may soon step in and wake up the echos of Cleveland’s past. Ya know, all the way back in 1999 when your team was reinstated.

Quinn, a first round pick by the Browns back in ’06, has not been handed over the starting position……yet. I am sure, however, that Romeo Crennel and his staff will have Quinn starting by week 9. Due in large part to the fact they will most likely be 1-8 at that point.

So put down that clip board Quinn and get ready to finish off a season that will long be lost, but not forgotten. You might soon be a starting quarterback in the NFL. You know what that means? Parties. Girls. Fame. Fortune. Ahhh shit, I almost forgot………you live in Cleveland! Well hey, I hear they throw huge ragers when the river catches on fire. So you’ve got THAT going for you. The girls will most likely be the pale-Midwestern type, but we know you’re used to that shit from South Bend. You’ll fit right in as the starting QB. Hell, you’ll even make the fans feel right at home by losing a few games. Good luck Brady. Look at it this way, if you lose, it’s like stacking shit on top of shit….your team can’t get much worse!

Who am I kidding. Anyone of us would give up a year’s salary to spend one night out in Brady Quinn’s shoes. A 6’5” professional quarterback making millions of dollars? They tend to see quite a few ladies naked (usually more than one at a time.) Damn you life for making me only 5’8″!!!!!