Only Five Months ‘Till Football Season

16 04 2009

Match these nicknames with the pictures above: (A): El Pato (B): Psycho T (C): Douchebag


After a three-week hiatus of working, drinking and getting kicked out of Baltimore strip clubs, the APR is finally back! Not sure if the long delay has been more influenced by a lack of football news to write about, or simply a three-week stint of laziness. Either way, you better watch your step…cause I’m about to drop some sports knowledge.

While most of you were ripping up your brackets after losing another NCAA Tournament pool, I was busy collecting my winnings from North Carolina’s anal-raping of Michigan State. Alright, so you can’t really call it “winning” if you place third and only get your money back, but I’ll take what I can get at this point. Besides, a poll conducted earlier by my grandma shows that I’ll always be a winner no matter what anyone says…so HA!

Now that college basketball and accepted in-office gambling is officially over, the only thing we’ve had to look forward to is Major League Baseball’s Opening Day. Unfortunately, that excitement lasted about as long as CC Sabathia’s off-season diet. I must say though, it has been rather rewarding to watch the collective assholes of Boston and New York slip to the bottom of the American League East standings. Nothing makes me enjoy Yankee’s baseball more than a left fielder pitching a better game than their starting pitcher. Who knew Nick Swisher could sling heat?

Just as baseball was getting things jump started last weekend, sports fans were also able to enjoy a nice hungover Sunday watching the Masters. There’s no better way to remedy a long night of bachelor party shenanigans, than by laying on the couch with Gatorade,  greasy food and listening to the soothing sounds of Jim Nance. However, I could have done without the tee-shot microphone. I mean honestly CBS, do we need that ground mic three feet from every tee shot? Each time I’d slip in and out of consciousness on the couch, I’d immediately wake up to Tiger or Phil’s next sonic boom of a fucking drive! Even with the occasional volume outburst, it was amazing to watch the two best golfers in the world go toe-to-toe for the last 18 holes of the Masters. No one realized, or cared for that matter that Tiger and Lefty were not the last group(s) to tee off on Sunday. Kenny Perry might have been in the lead the entire day, but viewers were more focused on watching the best rivalry in golf unfold on the best trak in the world. 


More to come after the jump….(still not entirely sure what that means but apparently every damn blogger says it.)


The Felating of Tim Tebow Continues

9 01 2009

He wears crocs for god's sake and I still can't hate this a-hole

Have you ever wanted to hate someone you’ve never met? Say an ex-girlfriend starts dating someone new and you immediately think… fuck that guy. You don’t even know him, but just because he’s dating the girl you used to love/sleep with/finger blast,  you assume he’s a twat-rag. Then she introduces you both one night at a party, you shake his hand and smile, but in the back of your head you’re thinking “what are you looking at dicknose?”

Here’s the shitty part: you start talking to this inevitable jackass and slowly start to realize…he’s actually pretty awesome. So awesome in fact that it starts to piss you off more. Beacuse you see what she sees in him. He donates his spare time to charity. He makes a hell of a lot more money than you. He’s bigger than you, stronger than you and without a doubt smarter than you. He’s pretty much everything you think you are…but better.

This is how I feel about Jesus’ favorite southpaw, Timmy Tebow. I sincerely hate that I can not hate him. As a Florida State fan, it is ingrained in me to despise anything Gator-ish. Except those croc shoes, hatingthose plastic slip-ons has nothing to do with being a Nolefan…I just think the people who wear them look like lazy asswhipes.

Like my mother said, if you have nothing negative to say, don’t say anything at all. (I think she said the ass-opposite of that actually.) Oh well. Even though I will not be joining the media-felating fest of Tim Tebow, I still can’t say anything bad about the guy. And believe  me, I seriously tried.

I hate not hating you Tebow.


Breaking News (aka shit you’ve probably already heard) Timmy “The Circumciser” Tebow has announced he will not enter the NFL Draft. He most likely received a message from God last night who told him: “Tim my son, do you know how much hot, sundress-wearing ass you’ll get if you stay in Gainesville next year? Trust me, J.C. has been recruited some young freshmen talent for you. Make the right choice Timothy.”


These Are Not Your Father’s “Chico’s Bail Bonds” T-Shirts

18 12 2008

In case you haven’t figured out that I like sports movies, take a quick look at the url youtyped in to get here numbnuts. If you scan through my immaculate DVD collection, you won’t find movies like The Lord of the Rings or any of the Harry Potter installments. Well, unless you count Harry Twatter and the Sorcerers Bone… but that’s just great acting. You will, however, find some of the greatest sports movies ever made. And no I don’t mean anything starring “The Rock”  or Whoopi Goldberg as headcoach for the Knicks.

There are movies that get you pumped up like Rocky IV, The Karate Kid (the montage scene), Friday Night Lights,  Any Given Sunday(Pecino’s “inch by inch” speech) and Varsity Blues (tell me you don’t get jacked up when the Foo Fighters “There Goes My Hero” comes on. Oh you don’t? Well then sir…you’re just a cumdumpster.

Then there are the comeback stories. The ones that leave you feeling like even a suck-at-life-jerk such as youself can accomplish anything. These would be your Rudy‘s, Replacements, Tin Cup, Major League (1 & 2), Little Giants, Mighty Ducks, Rookie of the Year, The Sandlot (“You’re killin’ me smalls!”), Hoosiers and Remember the Titans.

And last but not least, the sports movies you won’t watch around your friends…for the sole purpose that you uncontrollably weep at certain moments. Granted, most of these also fall into the comeback category, i.e. Rudy (go ahead pussy, try not to cry when Rudy makes that lone tackle at the end), Hoosiers and Remember the Titans. Most of you might even cry just by reading this movie title: Brian’s Song.

You can trust me when it comes to my knowledge of theatrical blockbusters based on athletics. You might not trust me to “hold” your beer or “keep an eye” on your girlfriend…but you certainly can trust me when I say…”I found some pretty phenomenal sports movie t-shirts!”

Before breaking down a list of the best sports movie shirts, take a look at this website. They have a balls deep selection from movies like Major League and Rookie of the Year, to Mighty Ducks and Baseketball. If you’re still shopping around for Christmas (or should I say, haven’t even started yet) have a peek at these Ts.

Top 5 Sports Movie T-Shirts:

5.) So…Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is not necessarily a sports movie, but this shirt represents one of the best football characters ever. There are so many lines that come to mind, “Einhorn is Finkle, Finkle is Einhorn…Einhorn is a man!?”, “Laces out Dan,” “I’m in phsychoville and Finkle’s the mayor.” If this shirt said “Einhorn” on the front, I would be wearing it right now.










4.) Rod Tidwell might be the best receiver to ever come out of Arizona State…and he’s not even a real person! This Jerry Maguire reference beats the shit out of any “Show me the money” shirt. If this shirt said “I’m lovin’ you…lovin’ me on the front, it would be hanging in my closet right now.










3.) Remember Henry Rowengartner? The best 12-year-old right-hander since Danny Almontay (and that little bastard wasn’t even 12!) Since no one could pronounce Rosenbagger’s name right, this Rookie of the Yearjersey is not only a spelling test, but a great shirt. If this shirt came with a full arm cast, I’d wear it and make people call me “Gardenhoser!”











2.) “Kilmer’s Coyotes” were a great group of sports movie characters. From Billy Bob to Moxon, you could choose any of their jersey-shirts and they’d all be money. There is one character, however, one who said such gems as “shut up and hold on to your nipples ladies,” who made Stifler from American Pie look like a douche. If only they made this jersey for girls with a whip cream bikini on the front.











1.) Choosing just one Major Leaguecharacter was no easy task. Cerrano and Wild Thing Vaughan are stellar choices, but Dorn’s piss poor third base play is what makes this movie so great. Picking number one was a tough decision, but any shirt that features the king of sports movie douches…has to be at the top of the list. “Lean into one Dorn. Alright, but this isn’t my bat.” Roger Dorn is such a jackass, that it makes this shirt simply awesome.









–For some reason these shirt photos are being a-holes and only showing the front. Check out the website to see them in their entirety. By the way, I wear a medium.


President Bush “Shocks” America

13 11 2008

"Hey can put your 30% approval rating right where this pinkie's goin."

Just take a minute to let this picture sink in………..

Alright, so if you haven’t realized it yet…President Bush has pretty much dialed it in for the rest of his term. I think he sat down with Laura a few months ago, right around the Olympics and said “I’m done with this Presidencing shit!”

Here he is pictured with members of the Arizona State Men’s & Women’s Track team. “Shocking” isn’t it! I’m sure someone on the track team told Bush their hand sign stood for a pitchfork, to represent their Sun Devil mascot. What I am ALSO sure of, however, is that Bush chuckled his way through this photo op and kept muttering under his breath “two in the pink, one in the stink!” Seriously, do you think a guy from Texas who used to be an alcoholic… who used to do a lot of blow…doesn’t know what “two in the goo, one in the poo” means!? Come on! I bet you can find him throwing up a shocker or two in an old Yale yearbook.

Whatever the case, I’d just like to say: thank you Mr. President. Thank you for phoning in the final days of your presidency and allowing the American public to at least get a few laughs in before you leave Washington. We can only hope that Texas Tech wins the BCS Championship for the sole purpose of your last college photo op. When the Red Raiders show you how to flash their hand sign, you’ll more than likely fuck it up. “Texas Tech is number one!”


A Night To Remember

6 11 2008
Hold on to your keyboard and nipples people, this blogger is about to get insightful. Most of you come to my blog with the anticipation of reading something about as deep as a plastic kiddie pool. I hardly drop my humor and phenomenal wit to delve into something profound. On this day however, November 5, 2008, I would be remiss if I did not discuss with you the groundbreaking events of last night. Don’t worry, there will still be a few fucking curse words or two to make you feel right at home.
obama dunk

With 349 Electoral votes and counting, Obama simply dominated McCain.

It all started yesterday with margaritas (making vomiting sounds) at 10:30 a.m.  (Sorry……”fuking margaritas.”) Jesus, I’m not a trained monkey here people. You just can’t expect me to curse in every godamn article! Anyways…. what the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, pre-noon tequila.
Tequila is always one of those things that starts off as a genius idea, then quickly turns south after you realize you just drank three strong ass margaritas. In your office…With higher-ups in the company…Before eating….anything. Nonetheless, Election Day 2008 started off with a bang (and maybe a dry heave or two.)
Before the Patron and early afternoon hangover…. I woke up yesterday with an overwhelming feeling of hope. A feeling that we would all be a part of something much bigger than ourselves later that evening. I could feel it as I turned on CNN while waking up late for work. Polls were opening, long lines were forming and millions of people were making their voices heard. Switching over to FOX, just to make sure my morning news would be “fair and balanced,” a scrolling headline read “McCain Wins With 0% Reporting!!!” Greta Van Susteren kept yelling “McCain ith Prethident!”
Before walking out the door, I threw on my “Barack. Paper. Scissors” t-shirt and made my way to work via DC’s public transportation. It was overcast and nipply out, but most city commuters had looks of possibility in their eyes and warm smiles on their faces. We could feel the change-a-comin’!
As the afternoon flew by, thanks to our Government Relations Dept. and their stash of top-shelf tequila, the excitement and anxiety grew by the hour. We finally closed up shop, said our good lucks and prepared ourselves for one hell of a memorable evening. Whichever way the cookie were to crumble, the world was in for a historic night.
A few of us set up at a bar not too far from our office downtown. We grabbed a few pitchers, an order of sliders or two and posted up like Dikembe Mutombo. The normally raucous crowd stared incessantly at the four flatscreens, all of which were tuned to CNN’s live coverage. With each dramatic commercial break, we waited for the obnoxiously loud music to inform us a “CNN Prediction” had been made. It was electrifying and the feeling was contagious. People screamed with each state that was announced. First Pennsylvania came, along with a barrage of high fives and multiple cheers. The more states Wolf Blitzer announced, the more cheering and awkward Tiger Woods-esque high fives were thrown. It had the feeling of a World Series game seven or a Super Bowl overtime. Then came the announcements of Ohio and Virginia, Obamataking both. It was then that people started to get silent. Collectively, we all started to realize “holy shit, this could really happen…and happen soon.” It was at that moment that the California polls closed. The state with 54 electoral votes was enough to sling Obama past the 270 needed to be elected….and with plenty to spare.
The packed bar stared at the screen…fingers crossed, waiting as if a last second field goal was about to be kicked. With no time to prepare for what was about to happen, Wolf came on screen. Before the words could leave his mouth, the headline hit CNN…sending nearly 100 of us into a victorious roar. “CNN Projection: Barack Obama Elected President.” High fives flew, tears were flowing and beer was spilling everywhere from all the celebratory cheers. You could hear local bars and restaurants near by erupt into the same enthusiastic roar. At that very moment, we were all witnessing history in the making.
As McCain stepped on stage to make his concession speech, the bar returned to it’s normal octave. The patrons could see the hard work in his eyes combined with the lack of sleep and sadness he must have felt. He was gracious and everyone appreciated that. At the end of his difficult speech, the crowd once again erupted, as if to acknowledge the good fight McCain’s campaign put up.
After 30 minutes of waiting, then came the moment we had all been anticipating. When Obama finally made his way on stage in front of over 200,000 people in Chicago…our bar went silent. Everyone just stared, doe-eyed, clenching on to their beers. I could over hear a guy near me mutter “Dude, this speech is going to make me cry like a little bitch.” Believe me, he wasn’t the only one. People were transfixed on Obama throughout his speech. No one dared speak. Looking around the room, there was not a dry eye in the house. Grown men, women, even the bartenders were choking up. It was more powerful than we could have ever imagined. People were consumed by the moment and everything that it encompassed. A moment we will certainly tell our children and grandchildren about.
“Let’s go to the White House!” Someone yelled as Obama’s speech ended. Without thinking or explaining why the White House exactly…everyone piled out of the bar and headed for the streets. It was 12:30 a.m. on an early Wednesday morning and the streets were alive like Mardi Gras! It felt like Spring Break, Mardi Gras and the Super Bowl all rolled into one night. Every street was packed with cars and ecstatic pedestrians…and we were all headed for the White House.
The walk was long, but no one gave a shit. It was raining, but no one gave a shit. Most everyone had to work in a few hours…and no one gave a shit. People were running up to cars and throwing high fives. Strangers were dancing in the street and shouting “We did it!” It was the most electrifying two- mile-walk any of us had ever made.
After countless high-fives and cheers with thousands of strangers, we finally made our way to the front gates of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. There were thousands of people crammed in, shoulder to shoulder. Some with signs reading “Goodbye Bush.” Others had bongos to help the crowd keep rhythm while chanting “OH-BAH-MUH” The crowd was big and condensed, but it was unlike any sporting event or concert crowd I had ever seen. People were too overwhelmed with what was taking place to worry about someone stepping on their toes, or getting bumped into constantly. There were no fights or animosity to be found within the crowd.
A friend of mine suggested we have some fun and start a chant of our own. For all intents and purposes, we wanted to see how many people we could get involved in our genius idea. So, we made our way through the crowd and started up the all-time-favorite “na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye.” It was a statement to Bush and to the past eight years that our country has endured. The chant caught on like wildfire. We were jumping up and down with strangers, signing at the top of our lungs and pumping our fists. We jumped in front of news cameras and started our chant. We walked around aimlessly and started our chant. Every time we did it, more and more people jumped on the bandwaggon.
Around 1:30 a.m. our voices started to fade and so did the crowd. We started the walk back to our respective neighborhoods and realized something amazing. No one was stopping. People were still hanging out of cars and honking horns. People were still dancing in the street and screaming “We did it.” Everyone wanted to soak up the historic night in its entirety…and who could blame them. The walk home was just as lively and electrifying as the one down to the White House. High-fiving and cheering continued. People got our of their cars and danced, sang and even hugged random strangers.
For a kid who grew up in a rural-redneck-ignorant area of the country, there was something comforting and rewarding about seeing so many people in my new neighborhood excited about change. People in DC were not only embracing the idea of an African-American President, but we were cheering, chanting and singing for it. Whereas in my hometown, residents were informing local democratic committee cold callers that they would never “Vote for that fucking (N-word.)” Needless to say, I had never been happier to be a DC resident than on November 4th.
I finally got back to my apartment around 2:30 a.m. I turned on CNN, flipped off the lights and crashed out on my queen size-bed. My legs were tired, but I didn’t give a shit. My voice was nowhere to be found, but I didn’t give a shit. My hangover was starting to kick in…and I couldn’tgive a shit. Before passing out for the count, I threw open my eighth floor window. It was nearing 3:00 a.m. and the sound of car horns, people cheering and singing still engulfed the streets below. I closed my eyes, smiled and thought….I will remember this night forever.

A Case Of The Mondays

27 10 2008

If anyone in your office, home or school ever mentions that you might have “a case of the Mondays,” please feel free to karate chop them in the throat. Especially if that person is also smiling and making fun of your team(s) losing over the weekend. Unless you’re an Ohio State fan, everyone in your office, home or school already hates you anyways so…please keep making fun of that guy, he sucks at life.

It was a crazy weekend in the world of televised sporting events. Here’s what happened while most of you were taking Yaguhhhh Bombs!!!!! and passing out naked in your front lawn.

The Phillies have YETto choke in the World Series. Seriously, never put it past a team from Philadelphia to fall apart when a championship is on the line. They did manage, however, to pull two games away from the Rays and go up in the series, 3-1. Ryan Howard finally remembered how to make contact with the ball and pitcher Joe Blanton said “Fuck a DH” when he went yard in the fourth inning last night. The Phills go into tonight’s game with this postseason’s winningest pitcher. There is no denying that Cole Hamels is a great talent and shows grace under fire. But can he handle the weight of the entire city of Philadelphia tonight? Not just Phillies fans, but every overweight cheesesteak eating, Yeungling drinking Philadelphian has their money (probably mortgage too) riding on it. Good luck Mr. Hamels, if you blow it tonight, expect a barrage of boos and chants of “COLE. SUCKS. POLE!”

A dominant force has been reestablished in college football…and no, I’m not talking about Ball State. Florida State is back bitches! The Noles are not only sitting atop the ACC standings, but more importantly, they have crept back into the BCS top 15 since 2004. Alright….so granted, the ACC is about as tough as Ralph Machio these days, but I assure you…a resurgenceis coming! Picture Ralph Maccio as Daniel LaRusso, circa Karate Kid 3. Sure, he got his ass handed to him a few times, but he got back up and dominated once again. If Bowden has his players “paint the fence” and “sand the floor,” they’ll be unstoppable in the All Valley Karate Tournament Atlantic Coast Conference.

Speaking of teams in shitty conferences on the upswing…Penn State pulled out another big win against the Suckeyes of Ohio State on Saturday night. As expected, the game was more boring than a three hour marathon of the Antiques Road Show. In fact, that should be the slogan for Big 10 football. “The Big 10, we make the Antiques Road Show look like an action movie!”

Other notables from this weekend: Michigan lost…. (wait, sorry, that would only be worth noting if they finally WON a game.) Michigan State went into the big house and set Javon Ringer loose on the Wolverines. Ringer ran for an astonishing 37 carries with 194 yards and two touchdowns. Seriously, 37 carries? So pretty much it was Javon Ringer vs. Michigan, and somehow Michigan was still outnumbered.

Oh yeah, and the Giants beat the Steelers. But…….we’ll just forget that ever happened (clenching fists in anger.)

Sorry avid readers, but I’m off to the Big D (and I DO mean Dallas.) I will not be posting for a few days, so try not to hyperventalate from your anxiety. I’ll be back soon enough with phenomenal new posts.


Sports Movie Quotes You Can Use In Everyday Life

9 10 2008

Since there is absolutely nothing going on in the sports world today (aka, I’m too lazy to look shit up and I don’t want to write about “Pacman” Jones), here are some great sports movie quotes you can use in your everyday life. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this site is based around a sports movie quote, and a damn good one at that! So…..that pretty much makes me an expert in this department.

As with every conversation, there are stipulations to using movie quotes. Some people do it too often and use the same two or three quotes for months at a time. These are the people still walking around screaming “Yeaaahhhh!!, Okaaaayyy!!, Whaaaat??,” and expecting people to laugh. I’ll be honest, that shit was hilarious when it first came out. But now, the sound of someone belting it out makes me want to kick a puppy or stab a kitten.

One of the main ingredients in using movie quotes, especially sports movie quotes, is variation. Mix that shit up. Don’t scream out “Get him a body bag” everytime someone gets knocked out in a UFC or boxing match. Your friends will hate you and never invite you over for pay-per-view again. Show some originality in your quotation education.

Another important variable is shelf life. That Chapelle Show shit has been repeated too many times by too many annoying people. It is important to find classics and change them up every once in a while.

Tired of getting blank stares from your friends when you say overused quotes like “Yo Adrian!” and “Show me the money!”? Here are a list of quotes, some with clips, and a few scenarios of how they can be used. If quoted properly and in the right context…histarical laughter will ensue:

Karate Kid : At this point, you can get away with anything besides “Wax on wax off.” That phrase has been run into the ground since ’83. I recommend these gems:

         -“Sweep the leg” (always great when referring to any fight. I use it over “Get him a body bag,”  simply beacuse I have run that into the ground since I was 5 years old. See also “Daniel LaRuso’s gonna fight!”)

         -“It must be take a worm for a walk week” (always good when you see a hot chick with some douche)

The Sandlot: There are plenty of golden quotes in this masterpiece.

        -“You’re killin’ me Smalls” (Use this when someone is generally annoying you.)

        -“If my dog were as ugly as you…I’d shave it’s butt and teach it to walk backwards”

 A League Of Their Own:Jimmy Duegan nails about six genius quotes in this movie, pick one.

       -“There’s no crying in baseball” (Yell this at any opposing team when they get hit by a pitch)

       -“Anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with a little hat on?” (Works for any umpire or ref.)

Varsity Blues:Pretty much anything Tweeder says in this movie is money.These also work:

       -“Fire that fuckin pigskin” or “Show ’em what ya made of” (Make sure you use an over the top country accent.)

Or any of these:

Caddyshack: It’s almost impossible to get through a round of golf without someone quoting this movie. Please, just limit that shit to once per round. Yes it’s funny and relevant, but if you yell “Noonan” while I’m putting, you might end up with an Odyssey up your ass. Just pretend to be Bill Murray on the first hole and call it a day:

I’d write more, but unlike you………I’ve got shit to do pal! (Who am I kidding, I just want to finish watching Days of Thunderon Versus.  “Rubbin’s racin'”)