Bong Bong Bong, Steroids Steroids Steroids… & Brett Favre

13 02 2009
steroids
Phelps and A-Rod cross swords while Favre retires/cries again

For those of you who have trouble reading, i.e. most of you who check this site…then you’re in luck! I don’t feel like spending more than a few sentences on the only three stories going on in the world of sports. You know which ones I’m talking about, don’t play dumb with me! If you’ve turned on ESPN, CNN, PBS or Christ, even C-SPAN, you have seen one or all of the only three things worth talking about in sports. Since I’m not one to ram the same things down your throat as every other sports medium (Must. Not. Make. Sexual. Innuendo!) I refuse to waste anymore of your time on these redamndiculous stories. So, here are a few more words to sum up these non-important events of the past few days:

Michael Phelps smokes a bong: You try eating 10,000 calories a day without being baked out of your mind!
A-Rod took steroids from 2001 – 2003: $252 million is a lot of G.D. money!!! Besides….living in Texas will make you do some weird shit.
Brett Favre retiring: …………………………………..(this is how much I care or believe he actually will retire this time.)
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Plane Ticket To Tampa, Check. Roethlisberger Jersey, Check. Terrible Towel, Check. Super Bowl Ticket…Not So Much.

30 01 2009

Ahh Tampa, Florida…it’s a warm place with shady people, and the site of this year’s Super Bowl. Which means the influx of shady people is about to multiply by 100,000.

As a somewhat-obsessed Steeler fan, I’ll be attending the festivities down in Trampa this weekend. No, I do not have a ticket to what some would call the “actual game”, but I will certainly be begging, borrowing and possibly selling myself on Bruce B. Downs Blvd. for a game ticket. If any reader happens to have an extra $2k lying around, let me know and I’ll send you a free “I read the Annexation of Puerto Rico and all I got was this louzy fucking shirt” t-shirt.

You asshats ovbiously know who I am rooting for, so throw in your comments as to who you think will come out on top (besides your mom). If you need me, I’ll be stumbling around Raymond James Stadium with a Terrible Towel in one hand and my dignity in the other. Hopefully I don’t lose both!

 

Here we go Steelers…Here we go!!!!

edunn





A Front Row Seat To Change

23 01 2009
change

You could smell the change in the air...or maybe that was just marijuana"

I know what you are thinking, you didn’t come to The Annexation to read about politics. You came to have your mind blown by incredible sports satire with the possibility of a masturbation reference or two. Well guess what asshat, some things are more important than why Jeff Kent is retiring or which NFL coach just got canned. Some stories supersede athletics and vile analogies. So, if you were hoping for an article about Kurt Warner’s spikey-haired wife reappearing at this year’s Super Bowl, or a story about why Mark “Dirty” Sanchez will be a bust in the NFL like his mentor Matt “Beer Bong” Leinhart, you might be disappointed today. Funny story though, this is my sports blog and I can write about whatever the hell I want. If you don’t like it, you can take your ungrateful attitude over to www.withleather.com. (Here’s where I quickly realize this blog only has three dedicated readers.) Sorry, I take it back. Please stay, I promise I’ll write about sports with metaphors about pooping in the next article.

Let me start by saying, waking up before 8:00a.m. is something I try my damnedest not to do. There are few things that are worth getting up before the sun rises. Unless you’re expecting presents under a Christmas tree, or trying to duck out of the hotel room before the hooker wakes up, waking up before sunrise is a terrible idea. Alarms even sound different when they go off before 8:00a.m. They make this screeching, high pitched noise…like fingernails on a chalkboard or the sound of hundreds of crying babies. When you open your eyes and see a blurry 6:00a.m. coming out of your asshole of an alarm clock, it can honestly make you sick to your stomach.

On this morning, however, the sound of 6:00a.m. somehow didn’t make me want to kill a kitten. I slid out of bed and felt proud of myself for being up so early. You know that feeling when you know you’re going to be early for something? It’s kind of like saying a big “screw you” to all those people who will be stuck in traffic or waiting in line. Well, that pride lasted a solid two minutes until I flipped on CNN. Thinking I was the only person out of two million who had the bright idea of “beating the rush,” I quickly learned that I was in fact an idiot. By 6:15a.m., half of the Mall was already full. That means that nearly one million people woke up EARLIER and said a big “screw you” to me.

Before our two and a half mile walk to the Capitol began, we stacked on about 37 layers of clothing, 10 to 15 hand warmers, lip balm, two pairs of gloves and three pairs of socks. I felt like the little brother in A Christmas Story, remember when he can’t lift his arms because he’s stuck in too many damn layers? Picture that kid with a Steelers beanie on, that was me.

Surprisingly, our long trek down to the Mall didn’t seem too cold, or too long. Every street corner and sidewalk was lined with thousands of people fighting the cold with good spirits. We were colder than a polar bear’s toenails, but no one really seemed to mind. By the time we got to the lower street numbers near 3rd street, we followed a large crowd heading into a street tunnel. Walking into that tunnel, there was no exit in sight. The only thing you could see were thousands of people, shoulder to shoulder, wall to wall, walking into an abyss. At that point, however, we all said fuck it and followed the crowd.

It was at this moment that I realized how different this crowd was. We’ve all been through large crowds at sporting events or large concerts, but there was a different vibe amongst these people. Thousands of people were smiling, chanting and waving American flags through the bitter, winter air. Strangers were rubbing against each other in the large stack of people, but it bothered no one. There was no pushing, shoving and aggravation to be found. We all were excited to be a part of history.

After an exceptional amount of weaving in between people and a barrage of “excuse me”, we made our way to our specified ticketed area. People with tickets were separated by color. Our silver ticket granted us access to the very front portion of the Mall, just behind the Capitol Reflecting Pool. By the time we made it through security (they checked bags and waistbands) we set up shop in the very center of the first block of the Mall. With the crowd, the lines and the two and a half mile walk, we finally sat down at 9:15a.m. For you non-math wiz people out there, that’s nearly three hours.

With no food in our bodies and no water around us, people still found energy to scream, chant and continue to wave their flags. Among the 22 jumbo trons set up throughout the Mall, we sat just behind the first one. Our energy was exuded when the jumbo trons would portray famous celebrities, congressmen and Senators who were up in the bleacher area. They’d show Beyonce and Jay-Z, Ted Kennedy, John Cusak (thought that was pretty damn random) Denzel Washington and Leonardo DiCaprio. With each face they’d show, the crowd would start shouting.

Have you ever seen what 2 million people looks like? I’ve been in stadiums with nearly 100,000 spectators  and thought to myself “holy shit that’s a lot of people.” But 2 million? Imagine you’re at the beach, you look out at the ocean and all you can see is water. Now picture the ocean is filled with people. That’s what it looked like when I turned around. It was literally a sea of people. Cold and excited people.

One of the funniest moments of the morning was the reaction 2 million people gave President Bush as he appeared on 22 jumbo trons. I expected a massive collection of boos, hisses and maybe a few things thrown at the TV screens. The reaction, however, was laughter. No one booed, screamed or threw trash. People just laughed at him, like a joke.  This was Bush’s coups de gras, and all we could do was laugh.

After nearly two hours of standing around, just about the time my hand warmers cooled off, the announcer introduced President Elect Barack Obama. When he finished shaking hands and kissing babies, he met Chief Justice John “I can’t memorize my lines” Roberts at the podium. Apparently someone forgot to inform Roberts that today was Inauguration day. You know, January 20th! The day that’s been on his calendar for the past four fucking years! As Obama placed his hand on the Lincoln Bible, Roberts started off the Oath of Office as if he were a nervous actor trying to remember his sole line in a movie. Obama, being the genius that he is, smiled and corrected the stammering idiot. (Some people have been saying Roberts messed this up on purpose because Obama did not support his seat to the Supreme Court. To that I say: “I fucking hope not!” I can only hope that our highest ranking judge in America does not hold grudges or pass “judgements” on people based on hearsay. That might defeat the whole purpose of innocent until proven guilty.

Then came the very moment we had all gathered to see. “The Moment” as CNN so eloquently called it (wanking motion) was “President Elect” becoming “President Barack Obama.” When the words “So help me God” were spoken, the crowd erupted into a sea of waving flags, cheers, hugs, high fives and tears. White, Black, Latino, Asian, none of that mattered. People were coming together like I’ve had never seen before. For those few minutes, none of us were strangers. Peace, love and camaraderie engulfed the Mall like a scene out of Forrest Gump, minus the whole Jenny running through the reflecting pool thing.

Before President Obama’s speech, I could not help but imagine what it would be like to stand at that podium and see 2 million people instantly go silent. The fact that he did not pass out with anxiety was already a victory in my mind. Just as Obama has done with speeches in the past, he mustered up the confidence and self-control to tee up his speech and once again knock it out of the park.

The crowd fell absolutely silent for those 10 minutes. We clutched onto the people we love, some even grabbed onto strangers. We starred incessantly at the jumbo tron, tears streaming as we all realized the importance of where we were and what we were witnessing. It was a feeling a will never forget, the kind where you close your eyes and whisper to yourself  “I’ll remember this moment for the rest of my life.” Kind of like when you lose your virginity, except this lasted more than five minutes.

The thing that gave us all  goosebumps, besides the 18 degree air, was the reason why so many people had descended upon the same place. They all wanted to be a part of something much larger than themselves.  More than just being a part of history, but also to soak in how far our country has come. Because whether you voted for him or not, Barack Obama represents the growth of our nation, from where we have come as  individuals, to the future cultivation of our country.

More to come soon, just keep refreshing. Don’t pretent like you don’t refresh this site every hour on the hour anyways. Sorry for the length of this article, ladies, I know you don’t mind the length. Eh, get it? Length? Fine, I’ll shut up now.

edunn





This Price Sounds Reasonable

16 01 2009

sb2

Just take a quick ganders at the ticket prices above for Super Bowl XLIII. I must caution you, however, take your laptop in the bathroom before doing so…these prices could make a grown man shit himself.

Notice how many numbers are to the left of each decimal place? Then just to the right of that decimal where it says “each?” Now take a second to realize, I found this page on StubHub by clicking a link titled:  “Cheap Super Bowl Tickets.” First off, what asshole at StubHub.com decided to throw the word “cheap” in that link? Some dickwad in the IT department, probably taking a break from playing Halo 3, thought it would be funny to mislead football fans by making them  believe the ticket prices they were about to read…were actually not too expensive! Then we inevitably click with hopes of  affording tickets to the Super Bowl for once in our GD lives and quickly notice that “cheap tickets”,  should actually be labeled: “Who are you kidding, you’re broke ass can’t afford Super Bowl fucking tickets!” Awesome. Another exciting year of paying to get in a bar, buying $6 Miller Lites and blacking out before the game ends. Super Bowl Sunday fuckin rocks!

Here’s a little something that might keep you up tonight, crying in the fetil position and wondering what the hell you’re doing with your life: Some people scan through those ticket prices, see the $2,000 price tag and still say: “I’ll take four.” These are the same dicks who make Christmas bonuses the same  size as your annual paycheck. I like to refer to them as “fucking assholes”, however, some people call them “wealthy.”

The hard truth is that Super Bowl tickets are so GD expensive, because assholes like your boss will drop four bills (that’s $4,000 for those who don’t speak street) on two tickets and think nothing of it. Where as when you drop a bill (actual one dollar bill)  on something, it usually involves a four piece McNugget or double cheeseburger. It’s a simple case of the haves…and the have nots.

So, long story short (probably too late) my beloved black and gold boys from the ‘Burgh are playing in Sunday night’s AFC North showdown. If they can make it a perfect 3-0 against the purple assholes of Baltimore, I will be flying back home to Tampa with hopes of going to Super Bowl XLIII. And when I say “going to the Super Bowl”, I mean “getting  shit-hammered and walking around the stadium in my beer-stained Big Ben jersey.” Because let’s face it, buying one ticket to the Super Bowl is like buying an expensive hooker for the night. It will feel great and certainly be memorable, but once your girlfriend/wife finds out you just spent the entire month’s rent for one night…you’ll have wished you at least got a BJ out of the deal. If that didn’t make sense, guess what…this is me not caring.

edunn





This Jagoff Is Gowen Dahntahn To See The Stillers

7 11 2008

This world traveler is heading out on vacation again this weekend. I’m off to the beautiful, warm and charming city of Pittsburgh. Except it’s really non of those. Look for my beautiful mug on Sunday afternoon in Hienz Field’s South endzone. I’ll be the guy wearing black and gold.

Until then, study up on your Pittsburghese…you jagoffs!





Don’t Jump! Well, Alright…If You Must

3 11 2008

Another APR reader who couldn’t handle the withdrawals from no posts this past week. (It’s either that or another drunk ass Phillies fan trying to climb a light post and failing miserably.)

Put down that two-liter bottle of Jack and stop drinking yourself into a lonely stupor. I’m back! If you’ve been siting by your computer screen, biting your fingernails and constantly refreshing APR for the past week (that goes for all two of you) well then…I’m sorry. I do have a REAL job though people. As much as you think I’m showering in $100 bills thanks to the big bucks I’m making from this blog, you’d unfortunately be mistaken. I do, however, shower in $50 bills. They’re much softer on the skin and I constantly yell out “FIFTY DAHRAH BILL” Here’s what we missed this past week while I was out drinking tequila (making vomiting sounds) and making an ass of myself in Dallas.

Well first off, a big congratulations goes out to the 2008 World Series Champions, the Philadelphia Phillies. All those years of suffering with disappointing season after season are finally over! Phillies fans no longer have an excuse for being miserable human beings. Well, except the fact they still have to wake up in Philly everyday. That’s reason enough to throw snowballs at Santa.

As for the Rays that no longer belong to the Devil, it was an amazing run. Sure, Rays executives might win the award for “Most Annoying Noise at a Sporting Event Ever” by passing out thousands of cowbells…but they also win the “We turned the shittiest team in baseball into a World Series contender” award as well. Soak it in Red Sox and Yankees fans, the Rays are now a viable contender for the AL East title again. No more of this “they’ll blow it soonah or latah” nonsense. This team is young, full of talent and ready to take over the best division in baseball. They may not have won the World Series, but beating the Sox at home in game seven of the ALCS….that was victorious enough. There’s something about seeing someone in a green Sox hat, crying into their Sam Adams and clam chowdah….. it gives me goosebumps.

Now that the MLB playoffs are over, it’s time to turn my attention back to the sports that are actually exciting to watch: football and basketball. Oh yeah, in case you didn’t realize it….the NBA started back up last Tuesday. If you didn’t notice, it’s OK……because no one really did. Here’s what you missed while watching the nail-biter that was Marshall vs. Houston last Tuesday. The NBA started off 2008 with a bang. And by bang I mean…Paul Pierce sobbing on national television…again. Before the tip-off of the opening game between Boston and Cleveland, the Celtics smacked the Cavs in the face and showed them what happens when you actually WIN a championship. As LeBron looked on with angst and jealousy, Paul Pierce and Co. were awarded their rings. Thankfully LeBron held it together during the ceremony. If there had been anymore tears in that arena, the parckay would have flooded. The NBA. Where Crying Like A Little Girl Happens

The BCS rankings were shaken up Saturday night when Texas and Texas Tech battled to see who had the most rednecks flashing retarded school-hand-signs. Still not sure if all those “L’s” that Red Raiders fans were throwing in the air were shown to represent their school, or to remind Colt McCoy who he really is. Either way, Texas Tech not only won the battle of who had more hillbillies in the crowd, but they were also victorious on the field. Graham Harrell and Michael Crabtree boosted their numbers in the polls for Heisman Trophy Candidates. All while coach Mike Leach boosted his polls in the Vince Gilllook-a-like contest. The Red Raiders big win, their first over a number one ranked team, bumped them up to the number two slot in the BCS standings. At least their schedule is easy from here on out (heavy on the sarcasm.) They only have to get past #9 Oklahoma State and #6 Oklahoma to reach the Big 12 Championship.

A request to ESPN and ABC: can we please have Bobby Knight on ESPN’s College Game Day every damn Saturday? He may have ABC producers running for the bleep button, but my god is he more entertaining than Desmond Howard. Granted, a squirrel would be more entertaining than Desmond Howard.

 

In case you haven’t seen, here are the new and improvedhorrible BCS rankings. Let’s see how long these last.

 

–A little breaking news: The Pistons have just agreed in principle to send Chauncey Billups and Antonio McDyess to the Nuggets for Allen Iverson. Not exactly sure what “agreed in principle” means…….but I’m guessing it’s something like “making sure Allen Iverson doesn’t get fucked out of his contract.” Just a hunch.

edunn





Travis Henry Hates Contraception, Loves Drugs

2 10 2008

Polk County's finest.

Travis Henry is like an athletic combination of Pablo Escobar and Shawn Kemp. The man loves his drugs and hates his contraception.

Henry spreads his seed like Santa spreads cheer…or like Michael Vick  Ron Mexico spreads herpes. He impregnates more women than in-vitro. He plants more seed than a botanist. He fills up more uterus (uteri?)  than the dad from John and Kate Plus 8. What I’m trying to say is…..the guy likes sex (sans prophylactics.)

Apparently, firing off his boys to the nearest egg is not the only thing Henry loves. Officials in Montana may have figured out why Henry refuses to use the glove while making love. After being caught in a possible cocaine ring, he may have a “different” use for his condoms. (Get it, cause he fills them with cocaine and places them up his anal cavity.) Sorry, those are just medical facts people. On to why he got arrested and just how fucked he really is.

Henry was arrested yesterday after attempting to buy cocaine from a person cooperating with the authorities. At first it doesn’t sound all that bad. He tried to buy some coke and got caught, big deal. As you read on, however,  conspiring to distribute and possess with the intent to distribute cocaine…kinda turns out to be a big fucking deal. You can read all the jargon, details and just how screwed Henry is in the arrest warrant affidavit.

Seriously, that thing reads like a possible movie scipt. The story of Travis Henry alone has all the makings of a Hollywood blockbuster. Money, fame, greed, unprotected sex…add to that drug trafficking and you’ve got yourself a box-office hit! I can already see Maurice Clarett in his big screen debut, playing the part of Travis Henry (at least there wouldn’t be much “acting” involved.)

There would be a scene were Henry and his drug dealer are arguing, the dealer forgetting to pay Henry the money he owes him. Henry demands his money, smacks the man in the face and yells…..”Muthafucka, I got kids to feed!! All seven of ’em!” A man then whispers something in Henry’s ear. With a confused look on his face he screams “Nine?!! Nine kids?!! Damn! I can never keep count of those little fuckers. They’re like Gremlins, they just keep multiplyin.”

Every good movie needs a good title. Post your comment of what you think would be the best title. The most creative title will receive an 8-ball autographed by Travis Henry.

 

edunn