Front Office Executives Fix The Glitch, Except…Not Really

26 11 2008

What happens when a talented coach is forced to lead a team filled with a bunch of no talent ass clowns? Just ask recent victims, Wizards (ex) coach Eddie Jordan and Thunder (ex) coach P.J. Carlesimo. In this era of win now or go home, coaches are getting shit-caned faster than you can say “We fixed the glitch.” This trend is infecting professional and collegiate sports like Michael Vick is infecting fellow inmates with the herp.

Front office executives are letting more coaches go than long-time comboverand firing specialist Donald Trump. Only difference, their ratings do not increase like The Donald’s each time they say “Ya fired!” On the contrary, their franchise ratings and numbers suffer even worse. Attendances go down and losses continue to pile up like stink on shit. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at fellow combover and firing specialist Al Davis and his piss-poor rap sheet. Over the last five years, he has hired…then fired…four consecutive head coaches. In five seasons, the butt-pirates of Oakland have compiled an NFL-worst record of 20-64. That’s worse than (close your eyes Raiders fans) the Detroit Fucking Lions! Seriously, being worse than the Lions is like being the dumbest kid with downs syndrome.

Unfortunately for head coaches all over the board, many front office executives have begun to take the Al Davis “save-my-own-ass” approach. These executives, or “suits” are simply firing coaches to save their own precious, overpaid, Armani covered asses. When the legitimate reason behind their team’s 1-11 start…is not because the coach is struggling, but more so because the players those executives signed to multi-million dollar contracts are hurt, unproductive…or both. Executives, like Al Davis, are blaming the coaches in order to blind the fact that…maybe, just maybe…signing a player like DeAngelo Hall to a $70 million contract…might not have been the best idea.

So who suffers on behalf of a front office fuck up? Coaches like Eddie Jordan who are expected to lead a team of no-talent ass whipes to the promise land. When the veterans and All-Stars of the team are on the bench (Arenas, Jamison & Haywood) and the rookies are forced to control the ball…it is truly a recipe for disaster. No coach, not Phil Jackson or Red Auerbach…not even Norman Dalehimself could lead Nick Young, DeSean Stevenson and Co. to the playoffs (or the Indiana High School State Championship for that matter.)

The silver lining for coaches like Jordan and Carlesimo will come around the All-Star break for the NBA. They’ll turn on their TVs to SportsCenter or click on to check their old team’s record and standings. Both teams will still be in last place. Their replacement coaches will be pulling out their hair and stressing about the future of their jobs. Sitting at 8-33, they’ll be trying to figure out a way to ensure that All-Stars like Caron Butler and Kevin Durant are the only ones allowed to touch the ball. Meanwhile, Jordan will be smiling because of numerous job offers…and Carlesimo will be soaking up the sun on vacation, smiling while he realizes he no longer has to live in Oklahoma City.



No One Saw This Coming…

1 10 2008

"I need an I-Right, Button-Hook-Doublecheesburger. Hit the McNuggets on a Post Route with a Large Fry Quick Slant."

Two of the most storied franchises in NFL history have parted ways with their head coaches. Ah, who am I kidding…it’s the fucking Rams and Raiders!

It was a sad day for Oakland and St. Louis fans yesterday as Raiders coach Lane Kiffin and Rams coach Scott Linehan were both shown the door. And when I say a “sad” day for fans, I mean “nobody gave a shit.” Seriously, do people in St. Louis even know it’s football season now? Most are too busy crying over the Cardinals not making the playoffs to worry about how many games Marc Bulger is not winning. As for Raiders fans, they’re too consumed with what ridiculous costume and makeup they should wear to the next home game. “Welcome to the Black Hole bitch! Now seriously, who stole my fucking eyeliner!!”

No one can really do worse than either of these coaches, but does anyone really expect someone to do better? In the past six years, the Raiders have hired…AND fired five different coaches. Is it any wonder why the players can’t get their shit together? Can you imagine having to deal with a new boss every year? How do you take them seriously when you know Al Davis is just waiting to shitcan your coach at the end….or beginning of every season.

Scott Linehan and the Rams, on the other hand, have won only one game since the start of last season. One. Damn. Game! Corky from Life Goes On could strap on a headset (probably backwards) and lead a team to more victories! The fecal-covered silver lining, however, for St. Louis, is their replacement for the bum that was Linehan. Jim Haslett, their current defensive coordinator, has been handed over the reigns. If anyone knows what it’s like to lead a bunch of no-talent-ass-clowns to victory, it certainly is Haslett. The one-time NFL Coach of the Year, turned the previously cardiac Saints into a playoff team in 2000. So yeah, he’s got THAT going for him.

The bad news for Linehan and Kiffin is our economy is in the crapper! Good luck finding a job in this economical recession. But hey, look at it this way, I’m sure you’ll land a job where you can still where a headset! So yeah, you’ve got THAT going for you.

(I have this mental image of Al Davis walking into a McDonald’s in a few months….the one where Lane Kiffin is working. Al says hello, orders his food and waits for his McChicken. When Kiffin hands him the sandwich, Al Davis opens it up and slowly looks up at Kiffin with his evil stare. Davis slams his fist down and throws the McChicken in Kiffin’s face while screaming, “What part of NO. FUCKING. MAYONNAISE. don’t you understand!!!!”)