The Poor Man’s Guide To Going To The Super Bowl

5 02 2009

Super Bowl XLIII Football

If you’re anything like me, you’re intelligent, charming and devastatingly handsome. Besides being an awesome human being and most women’s fantasy, however, this also means…you’re kind of poor. You work too hard and get paid too little. (Well, maybe not so much the first part.) Half of your paycheck goes towards rent, hookers, alimony or all three.  The other half, your “spending money”, is used on booze, food and probably more hookers. What I’m getting at here, is people like you and I need alternative ways to get into expensive ass sporting events like the Super Bowl. Because if I’m spending $2000 to see a football game, I better be sitting in a box. And by “box” I don’t mean a section of a stadium…I mean an actual vagina.

With the economy in the crapper and my favorite team in the Super Bowl, here is how I made my trip to the Super Bowl a long lasting and economical weekend.

Try these tips for next year’s Super Bowl in Miami:

Step One: Book your flight immediately after your team’s conference championship game. Not only will you know for sure that you’re team will be playing in the big game, but you’ll be so hammered up by this point that you’ll completely forget you have no place to stay and no ticket to the game.

Step Two: Start calling friends who are fans of the same team, or ones who are as shitfaced as you. Convince them to book a flight by simply saying “South Beach in February.” If that doesn’t sell them on the idea of making an unscheduled trip to South Florida in the winter, then nothing will.

Step Three: Find a place to stay. This sounds easy, but hotels will be too expensive on your budget so you’ll be forced to find a friend who lives in or around the area. You’re friend will most likely be dealing with a barrage of phone calls from random people asking to stay at their place as well. My advice, don’t worry about whether or not you’ll have a bed, just be glad you’ll have a roof over your head and a floor to pass out on.

Step Four: Stop worrying about finding a “cheap” ticket, they simply do not exist. Even the assholes selling tickets at face value want $800 – $1500. Do you know what you can do with that kind of money? You can pay rent, pay off your debt, make it rain like Pacman Jones at one of Miami’s many gentleman’s clubs…or just save that shit. Trust me, you’ll wake up Monday morning with a blistering hangover, but at least you’ll smile a little easier when you realize there is still $1000 in your checking account!

Step Five: Grab a flask, some cash, your walking shoes and possibly a 10 piece McNugget to go. With the nonstop bingefest you’ll most likely forget to eat, so grab some nuggets to coat your stomach. Renting a car is too expensive and cabs are few and far between. 

-Also, try to remember that cop cars look an awful lot like cabs. Do your best to not bang on what you think is a cab’s window, screaming “Give me a fucking ride asswhipe!!” Only to realize it’s a Miami Metro PD Officer throwing you to the ground by your throat.

Step Six: Game day. Walk down to the stadium early and scope out the scalping situation with caution. There are plenty of shitstains trying to scam innocent drunk fans such as yourself. So try not to get pissed when you find out that bum in the old school Dan Marino jersey just sold you a fake ticket for $1000. (Come to think of it, I should move this up to Step One: Never buy a Super Bowl ticket from a guy in a Dan Marino jersey!)

Step Seven: This is about the time you’ll realize that spending $1000 or more on a ticket is a complete waste of money. Grab your shit, beeline to the nearest bar around the stadium and set up shop with your fellow fans. You’ll have a waitress or bartender bringing you beer instead of waiting in a long ass line in the stadium. Also, bars do not stop serving alcohol after the third quarter like NFL stadiums, so feel free to continue your Super Bowl binge long after the fourth quarterhas started. After your team has won, file out into the streets with the rest of the obnoxious fans. Grab a bottle of champagne from someone, spray it on passers by and pretend you are actually part of the team. As people come pouring out of the stadium, you’ll smile when you realize you’re just as drunk (if not more) just as excited about the win and just as overwhelmed by the atmosphere. The only difference is, you’ll wake up in the morning with $1000 still in your wallet. That is unless you spent it all on celebratory strippers and Moet. Either way, you still come out on top.

Anything you’d like to add to the Poor Man’s Guide? Put it in the comments section.